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2007-03-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

Been a while Eh!
Plenty water under the bridge. Bush is getting to be a bigger idiot. The world is becoming smaller.The Iraqi death count is becoming larger. Global warming is warming faster. And Harry Potter is selling more than ever, even before being released.
A lot of books read, a lot of movies watched. A lot of people met, a lot of miles done on the ol Jet.
What have I been upto, what have I (thats one 2 many I's) done.
Who cares? Not you. So I wont bother you.
There is a man in a little village in south central India who has never seen an elevator. There is a woman in West Bengal, who has never travelled in a bus.
But then what do we care? We wont bother them.
There is a business man in Orissa, who has never had a close encounter with a computer, and there is a multiplex owner in Mumbai who never saw a hen laying eggs.
There is an industrialist in Ludhiana who hasn't seen a squirrel and there is a farmer in Bihar who thinks a fork is a budget sized plough.
The fisherman in Kerala worries about the tide, the prostitute in Mumbai just wants to hide. (poetry at its worst, and the truth at its best).
Those of you who have this blog on RSS and comment because you have nothing better to do with your lives, go ahead. I am not listening.

Hotspots of the World

2006-08-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

Nope it is not about the WiFi. Though I wish I write about the WiFi kind when I mention Hotspots.
Lebanon, Iraq, Afghanistan, Kashmir, Sri Lanka, Southern Thailand, Philippines, Indonesia, Nepal....and the count goes up by the day.
Though one is tempted to blame the United States for all of them, the ground realities state that some of them are areas that the USA has not had a chance to meddle around with, yet.
Why do people keep fighting with each other? Why does it make some so happy to exterminate others. Does allah (I left the capital A out on purpose) really need a bloody sacrifice for an entry ticket to paradise. Does Chairman Mao really have a back door to Heaven. Is Osama Bin Laden, God's speed bump to our excesses? Did the J man really turn his other cheek? Is Krishna, an outdated car (Oop's Chariot) driver? Did Osho have a driving license in spite of his 99 Rolls Royce's? Are the MorMons, hiding something with the redundant "M" in the middle? Questions, questions.
I am watching "Vertical Limit"( In case you went 'Duh...what', its a movie) in a nice little house in the suburbs of London. Its all peaceful and quite, unlike the hotspots of the world, but...but the hotspots of the world were created by a bunch of people not too far from here. I have just give up on democracy, the leaders of the free world are going to end up vaporising the planet anyways, I just hope the idiots don't do it before my time is up.

People are Crazy!

2006-07-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

People are crazy. (Yes, thats the end of the damned statement) People are suicidal. (Greenhouse gases, stupid wars, crazy world leaders leading us to stupid wars, soap operas, hell I am sure people want to kill themselves). People are weird (Do I need to explain that?)
People will be People. Therefore, we are crazy, suicidal and weird among other things.
Why are we like this. We have just one planet, we have probably 70 years on it if you are lucky, out of that, the first 5 are lost with memory developement, the next 5 in tryin to understand the basics of living in this planet, 10-15 on grasping the advanced knowledge on cohabiting with other people, 15-20 trying to build a foundation so you can handle the next 50 years, 20-25 being in love or trying to be in love or hoping to get laid, 25-30 working to build your resume so you can get a better job after 30, 30-35 getting married and juggling a job, 35-40 looking after the first born and hoping that the job you did on your resume will bear fruit (you are a damn fruit CAKE, you ll know that when you lie on your death bed), 40-45 mid life crisis time and you are wondering if you are in the right job doing the right thing, 45-50 finally getting a grip of reality and working in a real hurry to get that retirement fund growing as fast as possible, 50-55 ruminating about all those things you could have done and didnt do when you were 20-25, 55-60 planning yourson/daughters/whateveryouwanttocallyouroffspring's wedding (this is an Indian tradition, if theres someonelse reading this, then you can substitute it with "superannuation planning or "reflection on yourself" time"), 60-65 finally noticing you have someone called a wife or husband whom you have neglected over the past 30 years and trying to make up for all the lost time by travelling to places in the world that you should have actually done when you were 30, 65-70 the idea of death enters the scheme of things you have planned and you are just waiting for it.
People are fucking weird.

Polar Dreams

2006-07-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

The Antarctic seems so tempting. So very tempting.

Angkor What?

2006-07-02T03:46:00.000-07:00

T'is been a long time. Where did the AM disappear? For starters he broke his hand in an accident and couldnt be bothered typing with one hand. Then he travelled to whacky places where internet is still in its infancy. But more on that later, first a few pictures of Cambodia.

The Angkor Wat. Considered to be one of the seven wonders of the world, this structure dedicated to Vishnu is the largest hindu temple in the world.

A young monk poses for a photograph at the Bayon temple located in the ancient city of Angkor Thom. Built in the 9th Century by King Suryavarman.

A view of the mighty Mekong river from my room. Fish and rice are the staple diet of the Khymer(thats what the Cambodians are called) and the Mekong plays a major part in every aspect of their life.

Another view of the Bayon temple.

A monk with a mobile at the Angkor Wat!

One of the Towers in Angkor Wat.

The Ta Prohm temple. Better known as the Tomb raider temple. The Movie that goes by that name used this temple as a back drop for most parts.

The Ta Prohm.

The Apsara dance is one of the more graceful danceforms in the world. Till a few decades ago, this dance would have been performed only for the royalty. Tourism and the dollars that follow have ensured that mere mortals like me can also get to experience this amazing display of grace and beauty.

Fried crickets and locusts are common snacks for the locals. For around 10 cents you can get a paper bag filled with this crunchy snack. Rich in protiens and inexpensive. On the shock value scale this ranks pretty low. I saw a 20 litre plastic tank filled with the local Mekong whisky and a 10 feet dead cobra soaking in it. They let the cobra soak for around nine months and remove the cobra before drinking the whisky. Supposed to be a great aphrodisiac! Whew!

More Travel Plans

2006-04-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

The AM is restless. This does not portend well for a lot of people. He is leaving to Bush Land for a few weeks and maybe do a peekaboo in Vegas to play a game of Blackjack sometime in between the nuisance called ‘work’. After that it is the Scotch trail in Scotland.
A bit more about the Scotch trail: Scotland is the home of Scotch (You knew that already? Wow, aren’t you the smart one) There is a tour which takes you on a circuit of all the major breweries there. You get to taste the whiskey made in each of them and hopefully will get drunk in the process. In case the samples are not enough, there are thousands of pubs that serve quality scotch to help you reach your goal. The tour lasts about four days and if that isn’t bliss, then ‘bliss’ needs a makeover.
Going to plan out a trek to Tibet. Anyone wanna join, drop me a mail, this will be happening in the last week of May and it will last two weeks.
Cheers!

More Havana photos (Do I come up with creative titles or what!!)

2006-04-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

The Marina Hemingway. Senor Hemingway used to sit right here and sip on Mojitos and Daiquiris while he wrote whatever it was that he used to write.

Fruit and vegetable market La Habana Vieja. Not many choices for the discerning connoisseur. Hell, the locals are lucky if they can afford a dozen bananas. Economy in Cuba is as healthy as Dick Cheney.

People waiting patiently for their turn to use the Internet in Avenue Obispo, Old Havana. If the locals want to use the internet, they have to apply to the government. They get 15 minute coupons that they take to one of the few internet cafes that the locals are allowed to use. Browsing is a no-no, emails only. Foreigners get wireless internet in their hotel room.

The Avenue Malecon, one of the better places to spend an evening in Havana.

The Russians with their brilliant sense of architectural beauty built this monstrosity of an embassy.
In a road filled with lovely Spanish colonial mansions built in the early part of the 20th century, this eyesore stands as a testament to the “whose willy is bigger?” competition of the cold war era.

The Capitolio. Funded by the Russians and built during the cold war to rival the Capitol in DC. It is in ruins and filled with rats, though they dont wear suits like their counterparts in DC.

One tends to find hoardings like this all over the country, some depicting him as Hitler, some as, dracula. Though I searched high and low, I couldnt find Bush in a Santa Claus costume. One reaches the conclusion that President Bush isnt exactly a popular figure here.

Photos from Cuba

2006-03-22T00:20:00.000-08:00

The Partagas Cigar factory. The birth place of 'Cohiba', 'Monte Cristo', 'Romeo Y Julieta' (Nope they are not Comrade Shakespeare's legacies, they are cigars)

Taxi Taxi

Old Havana

Opposite the Swedish Embassy that houses the United States Trade Centre (The US doesnt have an embassy here).

Public Transportation "Revolution style"

A View from the Avenue Malecon

More notes from Havana

2006-03-16T07:38:00.000-08:00

My eleventh day in Havana. Crappy food has resulted in my weight going down by 4 Kgs. Looking and drooling at skimply dressed, Latin American women has resulted in a further reduction of 2 Kgs. Walking up and down La Habana Vieja (means, Old Havana...I am just showing off, dont mind me) has also contributed to further reducing the quantity of physical space I take up in the universe.
There are few websites that give you a fair amount of information about travel to Cuba.
www.cuba-junky.com is one that I found quite useful. If you intend going there, then theres your online travel guide. ME. Internet is a carefully regulated concept here. Most Cubans have access only to their emails. Browsing is a no no. Even to access their emails, they need wait in a line which sometimes stretches for a couple of blocks. For foreigners its different, they (or rather, WE) have wireless internet in the hotel!!
Oh yeah, and the smart ones reading this might ask, why cant the locals use the wi-fi in the hotel? They cant because, 1: Locals are not allowed to enter the hotels. There are dozens of security types in front of each hotel to make sure of that. 2: Even if they did manage to enter the hotel, they dont have a laptop to connect to the internet. More on regulations in Cuba at a later date (It is actually quite fascinating).

More Havana tales

2006-03-09T13:38:00.000-08:00

Being in a country where you can’t pronounce 'toilet' the right way (I know as much Spanish as you know German) (Note. If you know German, change that to Mandarin), (More Notes: If you know German and Mandarin, you should be spending your time doing something more useful than reading this), and get sent to the bus station instead of the loo be a bit of a pain at times. Though I won’t complain about my life, there are times when I feel lonely. With an extended family back home and a girlfriend to boot (she reads this, I'll get booted for sure), the life of traveler gets on ones nerves at times. Oh well, the shoe is always better on the other foot, the pasture is always greener on the other side et al.
Typing this out in my room at the Hotel Saratoga in Old Havana, listening to A.R.Rahman's Jana Gana Mana,(internet in Cuba exists now! as does www.raaga.com)I feel a tad bit lost and lonely. Never mind the fact that I'll get over it, it just goes to prove that...oh to hell with it, who cares what it proves.
You only live once, Live it well, Yeah yeah yeah, we went through it before, but that fact is important enough to be repeated over and over again.

Notes from Havana

2006-03-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

I saw Fidel Castro! Didn't meet him, just saw him, like one sees Julia Roberts getting off a car and walking down the red carpet.
Cuba is a contradiction. You see people on the road dressed to the Sixes, but they have a bit of bother finding their next meal. You see real nice looking / dressed and (cultured) people standing in a line for hours to buy bread. You also see foreigners eating lobster and crab meat while the locals with what money they have trying to buy meat in the black market on the sly.
You see Comrade Castro having a little chat with his country men and women in the local park and on the other hand, you have locals extremly wary about the police and hmm..the hidden police.
Cars from the 1950s, 60s, baseball crazy folks, crumbling buildings that were built in the late 19th and early 20th century, Havana is a surprise, to put it mildly. I can’t say I fell in love with this place, but I can tell you that Havana has got under my skin.
Friendly folks, great weather, ohhh and good Cigars+cheap rum. Prettiest women I have ever laid my eyes upon (excuse me, that was EYES), minimal traffic that results in air one can breathe without having ones lungs scream like a chicken on its last throes. Havana rocks on that count.
My fourth day here, lemme see,
a. I was invited to lunch at this guys place, he works in a cigar factory.(More to come there)
b. Met a guy who claims to be an Indian by descent and wants to hook me up with a girl.(Creeps me out)
c. Went drinking with a guy who claims to be a cleaner in a cemetery. (This guy speaks English a bit too well and knows shit loads about world news to be a cleaner in a cemetery. Secret police? Its quite possible here, but then again what do I care. )
d. Saw Comrade Castro as I already said. His convoy is a lesson to Indian politicians. Five cars and no headaches to the public. They mind their business and don’t bother others (I was thrilled just to see him though).
e. Staying in a hotel that serves lobster. (Lobster apparently is a big deal here.)
f. Been walking up and down the Malecon (photos shortly) and reaching the conclusion that this is the best marine/beach/playa (Spanish for beach I guess) road on the planet.
Among others I ran into a wanna be rapper who seems to have cut an album (he showed me a CD with his mug on the cover), a security type (Ministry of Interior, as they are called) who wants to be a rapper and a beer swigging Mexican who supposodly is an ex-rapper.
Che Guevara ranks second in popularity here. The fact that he was a doctor from Argentina who decided to fight on behalf of the Cubans might have something to do with that. His story is a must read, his writings are also a must read.
More Cuban history will follow.

Viva La Revolucion

2006-03-06T13:21:00.000-08:00

Ernesto 'Che' Guevara.
This picture was taken by a Cuban photographer called Korda. More information on Che is available here .
The AM is in Cuba (smoking a cigar, of course) and hes got loads of pictures. The internet connection in Cuba leaves a little to be desired, so stories and pictures will be uploaded in a while.

Hate Mail!!!

2006-02-20T05:34:00.000-08:00

Yipeee, I got hate mail! Here's what I got from a soul (a member of the female species) in the US of A. I think it pertains to some thing I posted about PMS and depression about a year ago, its funny though.. read on...

"I truly hope you receive this. You’re an ass. Get real with life and human beings. Nothing nor anyony is perfect. Yourself included. Please get off your high horse and join the human race. You sadly must be so lonely. Karma is such an amazing thing, eh? Move on….

Who are you to judge any type of disorder? Damn guy, pretty f-ing arrogant. Ever been depressed? I guess not. Fuck you ass hole!"

Reply time.

I did receive it, as you might have deduced already.
I am an ass? I agree, never doubted the fact.
Join the human race? With the kind of people who seem to populate the human race, me thinks I am better off staying away from it.
Lonely? Me? I have MPD, I never get lonely.
Karma is an amazing thing.(Dont miss the period.) Move on? Why?Where?
I don't judge any disorder(s), I mock them.
Nopes, never been depressed. Full marks for getting that right.
Fuck you? If you look pretty enough, I might consider it!!
Now go take a Prozac and lie down.

Hola!

2006-02-12T00:33:00.000-08:00

The AM is off to Cuba this week! Stand by for Pictures and stories of Che, Fidel and other irrelevant stuff.

New Year in the English Countryside

2006-01-03T00:44:00.000-08:00

The AM went and spent his New Year's eve in the English Countryside. A place called Lechlade. In this part of the country the River Thames is just a baby, hardly 30 feet wide and as clean as a whistle. The people are friendly and the skies are clear.
The AM is happy to report that this new year began on a nice note.
Wish you all a happy new year!

The HalfPenny bridge across the river Thames. Built in 1792.

Another halfpenny!

The Thames@Lechlade

Beyond St.Johns Lock.

Who am I?

2005-12-10T18:37:00.000-08:00

Life is way too short. So many things to do, so little time!!
The Torah, the Talmud, the Old testament, the New Testament, the Bagavad Gita, the Koran, the Guru Granth, the Hermatica (Love that book), the Zoroastrian Texts, Tao-te Ching, the Vedas...and its just the beginning.
It will take a couple of life times to get a take on everyone's idea of religion. And how in the name of GOD am I supposed to take an informed decision if I don't have enough time to take a look at all the contestants vying for my attention in the universal pantomime of life?
I was born a Hindu, studied in a Christian school, have Muslim friends, married a Jain girl (that's not true), become really interested in Zen Buddhism and have the hots for a Sikh girl (that's not true either, though I wish it was). I try to squeeze in a bit of religious introspection in the process and before I know it, I feel like a chicken that is asked if it want to be a Tikka or a Kebab.
Somewhere in this process, I am asked to be proud of my religion. Wow, ok, I am proud to be a pagan. Then the next question comes..Pagan? You cant be a pagan (Like they are the chief secretary of GOD, these wonderful folks cant spell pagan,leave alone elaborate on it.)
Where did we go wrong? Why did something personal come about to be a call to arms, legs and other parts of the anatomy? The suicide bomber on the Jihad tour wants to give up his/her life to take others lives so that he/she can go to paradise with virgins and clear water and unlimited fruits (that's what the Koran says). Ok, the guy has his life made with the nice virgins et al, but what does a martyr woman get? Unless she is a Lesbian, she aint going to do much with those virgins. Or are all women suicide bombers Lesbians? Fruits in paradise? Hey MR and MRS Islam, I would have thought Lamb Doner Kebab would have been more of your kind than vegetables!! Clear water? D-uh, just go to a first world country,open tap, get water, its easier than strapping semtex to your body and testing the BOOM theory.
OSAMA "the turban man" is actually "God's" check post. Its like telling the people of the world, "IDIOTS, get a grip of yourselves. You see what weirdos are capable of?" But, No, we won't take it the way it was meant to be. We will give him undue importance, make a martyr of him and build a Kaaba in his memory, thanks to another fanatic called the Bushman.
Oh that brings me to another fact. Any country that elects an idiot for a President deserves him. At least Kennedy had an ideological reason for going to war. Roosevelt had a reason to fight someone else's war. Hell, come to think of it, the Palestinians have a reason to fight, but the Bushman? He goes to war cause he wants to be a hero! Nincompoo, try fighting a war instead of sitting in your rose garden and sending the young men and women of your country to their graves because YOU have erectile dysfunction. No, pal,you ain,t going to heaven.

Contributions to:
Versace Turban for the "O Man", dunce cap for the bushman
Rome, Italy.

The Sunday roast and other British oddities

2005-12-05T06:38:00.000-08:00

What you see is roast turkey, baked potatos, yorkshire pudding, peas and onion gravy. Its a nice enough dish if you are British I suppose, but to the sub continent palate its as appealing as fried horse testicles dipped in gecko blood.
The English have a endearing habit of going to the neighborhood pub at the drop of a hat.

Mate1:"Mate, did you hear about Williams divorce?"
Mate2: "Yeah, lets go to the pub and talk about it over a beer."
or
Mate1: "How did the meeting go?"
Mate2: "It was ok. Come, lets go the pub and I ll tell you all about it"
or
Mate1: "Hey, I heard you were fired."
Mate2: "Shhhh...not here, lets go to the pub and talk about it."

The Poms need a beer at regular intervels to keep themselves from going out and annexing some part of the globe and making the natives sing "Rule Britannia". Hmm, correction, that used the be the case, now they need a beer to stop themselves singing "The Star Spangled Banner".
Another unique British habit is to say "sorry" a lot more than it is actually needed.
They are sorry for global warming, for the comet that smashed into Jupiter, for the middle eastern crisis, for human rights abuse in china and for the pigeon going poo poo in Hyde park.They are a polite race, they probably said sorry to the Germans before shooting them in the butt during WW2, but this whole apologizing thing can get on one's nerves at times.
British weather is crappy at best, their food sucks, they kowtow to the Americans, they got no good beaches and their health care system is a horror story. But....but, they know how to brew a good beer. I am thinking of relocating to the UK.

Pretty Pictures

2005-12-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Here are a few thousand worth.

Dusk. Tamaraiparany river, Papanasam, Tamil Nadu.

Lights making a pretty pattern in Anchorage, Alaska

Military camp at the Indo-China border.

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London Bridge. A remainder that man is still capable of building graceful structures.

The Sri Lankans, in spite of their troubles are one of the happiest people on the planet.

Sunset. Hikkaduwa, Sri Lanka

Air Traffic Uncontrolled

2005-11-25T00:37:00.000-08:00

Though I don't believe in cutting and pasting stuff from other sites, sometimes one comes across hilairous things that is sure to bring a smile to some poor sucker whos spent his morning trying make sense and debug program codes written by another poor sucker. The following conversations between ATC's and Pilots come under this category.

Air Traffic controllers are not known for their sense of humor (In a way thats thankful, you dont want your pilot and ATC swapping dirty jokes while a 747 freighter is scheduled to make contact with your Planes left wing in T-30 secs).
Read on and try not disturb the poor sucker at the next cubicle with your giggles,

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war old chap!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 1247"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

NutWar Singh's Oily Folly and other stories

2005-11-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

Oil's well in the western front. Nuthings right in the eastern front. Our foreign minister has apparantly been dipping his fingers in an oily gravy and licking them dry. Volker has gone bonkers over this mild indiscreation on the part of a mid level world leader. This calls for some serious head rolling (and eye ball rolling).
Sad.Damn things always come back to haunt the Netas though they never seem to learn from them. Congress leaders temptation to rake in the money, while sitting on their fanny isnt really funny anymore.

Rain, Rain, go away,come again another day, Chennai looks like a flooded bay (Poetic license ;-) ). Millions in varied currencies (mostly aid from, the World bank, Asia development bank, Indian bank, Blood bank and any other bank willing to loan money) spent in desilting storm water drains and dredging the estuarys of our fair city came to a big zilch when rain lashed and trashed the city four days in a row. The government decided to take a loan from Crocodile bank (the only ones who havent lent money for city development so far) to pay Rs.2000 to each of the affected families. After the usual deductions for kickbacks, palm greasing etc, each family was given a sum of Rs.2.50.

Bomb blasts in the capital during the diwali weekend have underscored the importance of the peace talks with our neighbor. Once we have opened the LOC for Kashmiris, Punjabis, Rajastanis, AL-queda, Laksher-e-toiba et all to cross over, all problems will be solved. We just need to convert ourselves to hard core religeous fanatics and bomb ourselves and the rest of the world to oblivion. No more humans. Therefore no more bomb blasts. You want simple solution to complex problems? Drop me a mail.

A few travel photos

2005-10-15T04:54:00.000-07:00

Gangtok-Sikkim: Actuall this was on the road from Gangtok to Nathu La.

Hikkaduwa-Sri Lanka: Sunset at the Hikkaduwa beach 130 Km south of Colombo.

Kadavu-Kerala: The Feroke river. This also happens to be the view out of our room at the Kadavu resorts.

Vythri-Kerala: This little waterfall is a short walk from the vythri resorts.

Thekkady- Kerala: The Bamboo Grove Eco Lodge located at the fringe of the Periyar tiger reserve. We saw a lot of elephants and leeches, tigers were on short supply though.

To be continued.......

Funny Money

2005-10-15T04:40:00.000-07:00

The last few months I have been traveling like there is no tomorrow. Armageddon is always round the corner. There are enough nuclear weapons in this world to vaporize the planet two hundred times over; one never knows when a Âworld leaderÂ might hit the nuclear launch switch instead of his bedroom light. And there are places to see and things to do before that happens. But that doesnÂt give me a reason to live life to its hilt said a few learned people who have done some amazing things in life, like earn a lot of money that is rotting in the bank. (Ok that was a bit of exaggeration; no one ever interferes with my life, thank god for small mercies).
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against folks whose first priority is moolah. But the fact that they have a mind as large as a chicken's asshole and tell the rest of the world how to live their lives pisses me off.
Most people don't seem to have a clue about the fantastic concept called life. For heavens sake, we are the only sentinient beings in this planet. There has to be something that differentiates us from the next species down the food chain. Waking up in the morning and thinking about the next meal is something that a hippopotamus does. How do humans differ except for the fact that they substitute the meal for money? I swear if I ever hear about 'money' during an evening of socialising I will go ballistic. The damn thing is needed, but letting it rule you is a pretty stupid thing to do.
Humanity might be going down the wrong lane with its obsession with all things material. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am not. I ain't going to be waiting around for a verdict, I need to go buy the lottery ticket for today's draw.

Contributions to,
Money Money Money its not Funny Foundation
The World Bank
Washington DC.
(I tried uploading a pic of the world bank, Blogger doesn't seem to like the idea)

Boob Shows and Booby Traps

2005-09-30T00:49:00.000-07:00

Night Clubs and bars in Chennai have been put on the watch list. The ‘multitude’(a grand total of four) of Nightclubs in the city have been told to make sure their patrons are properly attired or they face a bevy of penalties that include jail terms, fines and cancellation of licenses. This long overdue action by the city police needs to be lauded by all.
Thousands of homeless people in the city defecate and change their clothes in the streets. A few million go to the temple and watch topless deities do the mating dance. Hundreds of men and women throng the gates of ashrams that are run by pimps wearing saffron robes and screwing everything including the kitchen sink.
Ah, nightclubs! The place where sin is codified, the defilement of tradition is condoned, the unholy place where the youth grow horns and pointed tails. The government cannot afford to stand by and watch a whole generation being flushed down the sewage lines of life. It is only right that the police move in like a SWAT team to shut down these dens of evil and save our innocent teenagers from choosing the path of the devil.
For a nation that gave the Kamasutra, a country that worships sex and every thing associated with it, we do need someone to tell us that a bit of a boob show or a flash of legs is a sure ticket on the non stop flight to hell. Maybe the policemen who accidentally rape women are the best judges of what’s right and what’s not. Or maybe it is the government filled with people of high morals who go to various far eastern destinations to get laid, who should frame the obscenity laws. Maybe the righteous media, with its penchant for publishing really important news about the private lives of celebrities and the ilk, that should take up the cudgels on behalf of a generation just wanting to let their hair loose after a tough day at college, work or whatever.
Fucking Idiots. Maybe they will bring their collective heads out of the sand at some point of time in the future and realize that eroctism and sex is as natural as breathing. Till then I will get my daily quota of erotic material at the closest temple.

Blogged down

2005-09-27T05:36:00.000-07:00

After spending a few months out in the wild studying the mating habits of the Doonsweldkempflausen wild duck I finally found a computer and a place with an internet connection.
A lot of water has passed under the bridge and over New Orleans in the past few months. Oil prices have decided to hop onto the Endevour for a journey into the stratosphere, Iran is being painted with big red concentric circles by the IAEA for American target practise, Narain Karthikeyan has come a respectable 15th in the Brazil grand prix. He's said that he is happy with his performance of coming 15th with 15 cars finishing the race. Loser. Some Imams have issued a fatwa against Sania Mirzas choice of on-court clothes, Mirza has decided to wear a Salwar Khameez and Purdha at the French Open.
The AM is back to restless mode and rest assured that is not a good thing for people around him.

More Pics

2005-08-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

SEBASTIN THE CAT-(We found each other in Seward-Alaska. An interesting companion to say the least.

THE ROCK - AL CATRAZ AT DUSK AS SEEN FROM FISHERMANS WHARF SFO

HOLIGATE GLACIER ALASKA (It is 700 Sq miles wide and over a mile thick)

THE CONSTELLATION (Sea Life centre- Seward)

FISHERMANS WHARF SFO

The last frontier II

2005-08-13T01:37:00.000-07:00

CHEAP BEER-GREAT FOOD

AN AERIAL VIEW OF ALASKA

A common road for aircrafts and cars!

SUNRISE OR SUNSET IN ANCHORAGE (Shot at midnight- I am still not sure if I should call it sunrise or sunset)

Ressuruction bay Seward

Nitwits and Nitpickers

2005-07-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

The Pakistani defense forum informs us that there is an Indian connection to the London bombings. According to them,
“An India connection with the London bombings has emerged after police named two of the potential suicide bombers who tried to blow themselves up on the London transport network last Thursday.
The devices the bombers assembled were in plastic food storage containers made in India, each six-and-a-quarter liters in size with a white lid, which were then put in dark-colored rucksacks.” (Full article)
Though the story is attributed to an Indian newspaper the Paki’s have gratefully taken it as an endorsement of an Indian hand in the blasts.

I was thinking that these guys were crazy, but now I am pretty sure they are Crazy Stupid. What kind of an idiot comes out with this theory? So, the shirts the bombers wore might have come from South Africa, the shoes from Taiwan, and there is a good probability that they drank a can of Pepsi before embarking on their boom boom trip, so there is an American connection too.
Our neighbors are beginning to clutch at straws in their attempt to wiggle away from what is clearly a case of the ISI’s madcap adventures during the past few decades coming back to haunt them. But, an Indian connection because ‘the bombs were assembled in food containers made in India’ is definitely one for the 1001 joke book.
The PDF unlike its name is not a defense forum, it’s more of an India bashing forum. But the praiseworthy point is, they let Indians post their opinions on it unlike the privately run Indian defense forum Bharat-Rakshak run by some self appointed dimwitted guards of Indian pride. India bashing posts on this forum is quite often deleted by the moderators. A forum is all about pitting your opinions against your opponents. Deleting their opinions doesn’t help in any way other than letting the world know that you are an intolerant asshole.
And bashing a failed state doesn’t help either them or us, nor does it help you get laid or gets you a free lunch. Pick someone of a similar size instead of trying to show you have a bigger dick than those wimps.
Only when we get out of the mindset of comparing ourselves with Pakistan in every sphere of life, can we truly aspire for a place in the global leadership. Till then we will keep trashing each other till we are both eventually dumped into the trashcan of history.

Contributions to:
Fund for a XXXXXXXXXXXXL Trash Can to dump ourselves
UN Rubbish Clearing Council
Geneva.

The Last Frontier

2005-07-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was thinking along the superlative lines for describing this place. But then I ran through the whole list before giving up.
Traveling from New York City to Anchorage, it was a drab landscape all the way into Canadian territory. Six hundred nautical miles before Anchorage is when it all changed dramatically. Frozen wastes (this is the first and last time I will use that term), long stretches of ice punctuated with the rise of a dark mountain peak (When you travel here, make sure you ask for a window seat). The sun reflecting off the snow and ice as far as the ‘I’ can see.
Ted Stevens Airport – Anchorage; looks like a usual American airport, feels like one, so it must be one. The moment you step out is when you realize why the Alaskans disdainfully call the rest of the United States as the lower forty-eight (Hawaii and Alaska are non contiguous while the rest of the states…go look at a map). After a North West Airlines employee gleefully informs me that they have lost my bags, I step out of the terminal and…well…I stepped into. …(I have no choice except to use the much used cliché) “If there is a heaven on earth, this is it”.
I have two days to drift around Anchorage (By the way this is not the capital of Alaska. The capital is a city called Juneau, and it has roughly around a tenth of the population of Anchorage and in other news, North West found my bags and delivered them to my hotel). A day later, after seeing the sights and having this crazy idea of staying back as an illegal immigrant, I just about manage to convince myself to act like a responsible adult and go back to work and family. But then, that was before I traveled to Seward.
Seward, Pop- 3500. Located in south central Alaska. It has absolutely nothing except a small port called Resurrection bay. This bay has a few hundred boats that take the tourists to the glaciers and other assorted places where whales come to mate and the sea lions come on a date. It is surrounded by mountains and glaciers and it also happens to have a profound influence on any human who wants to take the time to just look in any direction, get themselves speechless and Kow Tow to Mother Nature, all this under a fraction of a second.
I have been to some amazing places and ‘mind blowing’ comes to the mind when I think about a few of those places, but Alaska, I need to invent words to describe it. (Mail me if you need any assistance to travel any place, I would probably know someone who has been there and who would be glad to assist you, that’s how the travelers network works and you are welcome to join it).
From Anchorage, take a train to Seward would be my advice. It takes four hours as opposed to two hours by road, but then “Time” is a relative concept in the Artic Circle. After traveling thorough snow capped mountains, glaciers so close you could touch them and forests of spruce and rivers of glacial waters, I arrive at my destination. Being on a budget (stop laughing, I was on a budget), I had already booked my rooms over the Internet in a place called the Salmon Bake Cabin.
I get off the train at Sewards only platform (which it shares with a regular road) and have the usual first few minutes of ‘lost look’ on my face. A shuttle bus driver who looks like David Boon (the Oz batsman) comes up to me and introduces himself as Mike and asks where I am headed. Mike learns about my destination and strikes a deal. I help him load his passenger’s bags in the bus and I get a drop to my hotel/cabin/whatever, in return. Ten minutes later I am loading bags in a bus and thirty minutes later I reach the Salmon Bake Cabin.
A bunch of dogs come to greet me in a place that is most certainly not ‘up market’. The sign says “Cheap beer and lousy food”. In all optimism I get off the bus and Mike tells me that Salmon Bake serves the best food in Seward. I am not sure if he was being sarcastic but what the hell, not like I have a choice anyways, my credit card is already a couple of hundred dollars weaker and that happened when I decided to book a cabin here over the big 3W’s.
Daisy and Shadow (I learnt their names much later) the adorable Labradors lead the way and knock on a couple of doors before eventually getting the right one.
A lady comes out and asks if she can be of help. Busy playing with the dogs I remember my manners a bit late and turn around with an apologetic smile and say, “I have a reservation.” Light dawns, I am handed a key and escorted to the most amazing log cabin I've ever set my scopes on. Seeing that I didn’t have a mode of transportation (Americans don’t consider legs as mode of ‘transportation’) she offers the use of her granddaughter’s bike. Now I have a cabin and a bicycle to ride, am I set or what?
It’s a four-mile pedal to ‘downtown’ (I use the word loosely) Seward. And I ride into its cloudy overcast glory. That’s when I fell in love. Boats and yachts moored in the tiny harbor, a few little pubs to garnish the boardwalk and….lets just say, interesting landscape (it will stay that way till I post the pictures). I sit there speechless for a few hours and think to myself, I could have ‘not’ traveled to this place for a thousand reasons, but I came here for just one, because I wanted to.
Next day is cruise time. I am offered a wide variety of cruises down Resurrection bay, Prince William Sound and the Kenai fjords. Most are impersonal 150 seat cruise boats. While trying to strike a deal I run across a place that says, 25 seater personalized cruise. The ding thing goes ding in my head (along with the bulb glowing) and I book myself on it. Yet another good decision (lady luck has been spending a lot of time with me lately, maybe I'll marry her if she’ll have me!)

Coming up

Salmon Bake cuisine (people like cheap beer and lousy food?)
Hair cut in Anchorage.
Gay bar Anecdotes.
Cruising the Kenai Fjords aboard the Northern Wind.
The Perfect Storm (If I can figure out how to upload videos)
If you want to go someplace. GO. (Much more metaphysical musings)

(All of the above will be posted whenever I decide to move my ass and write which could be anywhere between a few days and a few decades.)
Warning: Photos coming up shortly! If you don’t want to spend all your waking hours (and most of your sleeping ones) thinking about going to Alaska, I suggest you never visit this page).

Contributions to:
AM’s fund to move to Alaska
You'll find me holding out my hat on a different street corner each day.

Note of Thanks:
Diffdrummer for helping a stranger navigate unfamiliar territories.
Chinnu for telling me that diff drummer exists and being the first and only fan of my writing (I hope she still is).
The company I work for. They sent me on a route I wanted to go, instead of moving me from point A to B.
My girlfriend, for being the most encouraging character on the planet. Thank you woman. Next time around I hope you are with me.
My sis, for just being my sis and having the urge to travel as much as I do, I hope you get to do it all.

Lost in New York

2005-07-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

Harlem railway station, 1:23 A.M. Six of us standing around a railway timetable trying to figure out how to get from (what else???) point A to point B. It being early morning July 5th didn’t help. The Americans had decided to take a long weekend and make babies and maybe send them to school before wrapping up the weekend. The metro rail staff had gone to see the fireworks (pretty interesting show) or to have wild sex with their boy/girl/_____(fill in the blanks) friends. From 12.40 to 1.10 A.M, I Missed two trains cause there was no one to tell if it goes where I needed to go (Didn’t want to get on the train and find myself in downtown Iraq, heard its not a great place to spend a Saturday, Sunday or any other night for that matter). Eventually the six of us put our heads together and managed to figure out the timetable, and duh!!!! , The next train has a conductor who answers all our questions quite patiently. Ah, irony is a wicked fellow.

Life is actually quite funny. Me, a relatively small town guy, (stuck?) in what is probably the biggest city on earth, finds that people who live in the big apple are as lost as I am with their own public transportation. Can’t really blame them, this is a nation that thinks cars are an extension of their anatomy. Ask an American to name body parts; you would get a transmission box and drive shaft somewhere between the femur and the colon. Footpaths (Sidewalks to the folks here) are missing in most parts of the country. A guy like me who likes to walk and explore a place is at a decided disadvantage. Driving here is monotonous, everyone sticks to the rules and for the original wild Indian driver (me, you dimwits) it is a positively boring affair (I almost fell asleep on the wheel during peak commute hour!).

Moving a little beyond the subject, anyone who reads, or is even literate (if you are reading this I wouldn’t put you under either category, so this is not for you), should read "A short history of nearly everything" by this guy (call me a sexist, but tell me if there is one really mind blowing book written by a woman? And before I get some stupid mails, Sidney Sheldon is a guy and he doesn’t write mind blowing books) called Bill Bryson. The book lives up to its name. Gives a short synopsis of nearly everything in the planet and beyond. More interesting than driving in the USA!

Contributions:
Drive car, use fuel, Sheikh happy.
A/c His Royal Highness King Fahd bin Abdul Aziz
C/o OPEC

Alaskan Dreams

2005-06-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

The AM is going to Alaska! He read this and the bug bit him big time. Bought for $7,200,000 from the Russians....well..a long time ago, this was the USA's biggest bargain deal ever. More about Alaska here . Then on to Seattle the home of Tom Robbins the most amazing writer on the planet. Updates and photos to follow.

Good Day Mate!

2005-06-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

The Americans and for that matter a lot of other folks have a habit of tilting their head a few degrees if they see you. It is their way of acknowledging your presence. Like saying, 'hey bro I see you' and 'I see that you are within my vision.' You walk down the road and a guy you have never seen before, who in all possibilities you will never see again, tilts his head and continues walking. We being we, have this irresistible urge to stop and ask about his wife, kids and the neighbor’s dog. But no, that is not allowed. The thing to do is the "I see you too bro" tilt.
Imagine you do the tilt thingy in a little south Indian town like, say,Vanamamadurai. The person you 'tilted' at will apply his brakes like Schumacher on a sharp curve. The conversation will begin with "Thambi Yaaru?" And by the time he is finished with you, he'll know more about you than your grandmother and elder sister put together. I am not here to weigh the pros and cons of the matter at hand, just to dissect it like a frog in a high school lab. And, as is the case of the frog, I hope to make a horrible mess of it before I am through.
Another thing one notices is, the whole bro thing happens only when there is eye contact. You don’t find people just tilting at all and sundry (They will get a mighty crick in the neck if they do that). They never make eye contact, but if you look at them, they immediately look at you, so they can do the 'bro' thing. Probably the 'eyes in the back' syndrome where people always know if you look at them.
So the AM being AM, keeps looking at people until they are forced to acknowledge his presence. Not staring, there is never a necessity for that, just looking in the general direction will do. He's been doing it for the past four days (that’s how long has been in this country) and he's been getting the same result. No "Thambi Yaru" or even a "Yo Bro", just a tilt.
Its kind of different to be acknowledged but not asked questions thereafter. The subcontinentites that have been here for a long time probably have got used to it and follow the same principles, the ones that haven’t been here for long are probably trying to come to terms with it. But whatever the case, this gives me a valid reason to write 435 words on my blog.

California Dreams

2005-06-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

The AM is in California! This is the first time I have set foot in the United States and I am impressed. Impressing the AM takes some doing and more. As is usual with folks who don't have much to talk about, lets talk about the weather. The Americans being rich and all, are probably paying the Sun overtime to have it appear till 9:30 PM. Gives one a weird feeling to have dinner with the sun shining, its nice though!. This is the most gorgeous climate on the planet (as far as I have seen). If first impressions count (been here for less than 48 hours), I am in a place that seems to have more Indians than...hmm...India! The Silicon Valley is interesting. Udupi restaurants, Kebab Corners, bus drivers who speak telugu. The bus driver (an American, white,sunglasses,looking like a male version of Sandra Bullock in 'SPEED') spoke to me in all four south Indian languages!Just a few words mind you, but then you don't get to see that anywhere else in the world.
Listen to the advertisements and learn about a community has been an old AM saying, and the AM is on a learning curve. Anyone want immigration tips just drop a mail, he had loads of fun with the INS.
And yeah a final note, this country is really nice, its just the government that sucks.

Send contributions to:
AM's Fund for a weeknend in SFO
Just mail your credit card details and I shalt look after the rest:-)
Cyberworld

ANNIYAN

2005-06-17T00:38:00.000-07:00

The most awaited movie of the year. With a budget of nearly 28 crores, this has to be the biggest waste of money since world war 2. This movie makes a trash can seem like a work of art. Shankar has most definitely lost it. As is usual with his movies it contains a social message, but unlike his other films this one is as coherent as a mallu speaking english. Screenplay was probably written under the influence of hard drugs. MPD's seem to be the current fad in the tamil cine industry (what did you expect? That the butler did it?) One more MPD movie and I ll want to shoot someone. The photography and sets are stunning, the songs have been picturised extremely well, but the stunts have been overdone. Verdict Anniyan is a Saniyan.

Please send your contributions to:
Haircut for Vikram, and a lobotomy for Shankar
Kollywood
Tamil Nadu.

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

2005-05-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

I don't know about the tigers symmetry but the Indian governments cohesive symmetrical policy regarding the tigers have been extremely helpful in protecting this national animal. The wonderful job done by the ministry of environment and forests have succeeded in preserving this majestic beast.

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

The forest wardens keep track of the tigers using high tech radio transmitting collars and more mundane ways like checking pug marks. The men and women who are entrusted with guarding this rare animal have been keeping their eyes wide open to make sure the poachers don't shoot, skin and smuggle the entire animal through the porous border to china where they sell it for a lot of money. They also don't take bribes nor buy 42 inch televisions for their mistress while turning a blind eye to poaching. Oh, our game wardens are a trustworthy lot.

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

Reports of an ever increasing tiger count kept everyone including the international wildlife preservation organizations happy. Ah, but they didn't contend with the creative mathematics of our forest officials. The forest officers thought that a tiger has two legs, so four pug marks means two tigers. And voila the population doubles over night.

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

Cant really blame them you know, they had seen videos of the Bengal Tiger and it wore white clothes, played awful off side shots besides getting booed by the crowd. Most of all it had only two legs which it never put to good use. After seeing the Bengal tiger's performance during the recent Pakistan tour, even I would want to shoot anything remotely related to the tiger.

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?

But not to worry, the learned game wardens are working on the issue. More updates later.

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Send your contributions to:
The Tiger Preservation Fund
Bengal Cricket Association
Kolkatta.

Me-TOO

2005-04-16T01:48:00.000-07:00

Another book-post. Vinod was invited by aNTI to fill out a questionnaire. Me being Me decided to gatecrash the meme. Here goes,

1. Youre stuck inside Fahrenheit 451! Which book do you want to be?
This book I haven't read, but I caught hold of a few enlightened beings who read this and got the gist of the story. Apparently, all the books in the planet are going to be destroyed so each person has to memorise one book (don't bother correcting me if I am wrong, I don't give a shit anyways)so which one would I want to memorise. I'll take RIVER GOD by Wilbur Smith, cause I have read that book thrice and I probably have most of it memorised, saves me the sweat.

2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Amanda from "Another Roadside Attraction" by Tom Robbins.

3. The last book you bought is:
Skinny Dip by "Carl Hiassen" Its hilarious.

4. The last book you read:
Look above for answer.

5. What are you currently reading?
The Dancing Wu Li Masters" by Gary Zukov. This book is manna from heaven.

6. Five books you would take to a deserted island:
Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance - Hopefully I ll finish that book after 5 years of reading one page a month.
Robinson Crusoe- To use as a survival guide.
The Confederacy of Dunces- John Kennedy O Toole, for the ultimate in black comedy.
The Seven Tasks of Asterix- Cant imagine a world (or a deserted island) without Asterix.
Any issue of Playboy, for the same reasons as VINOD (Sorry mate, I had to rip that off your site, but hey what can I say, we think alike)

7. Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?
No one. This is not my stick to pass.

Chandramuki and Mumbai Express Reviewed

2005-04-15T03:47:00.000-07:00

Saw both the movies back to back yesterday. 12 o Clock Mumbai Exp and 3.30 Chandramuki. One was brilliant and the other was less than average.
Mumbai Express:
Kamal rules! This is by far the funniest of all Kamal's movies (He seems to be on a comedy trip interspersed with extremely violent ones). A pretty simple story about a bungling bunch of kidnappers, the dialogues (story, screenplay and dialogues are by Kamal) are simply stunning in their timing and delivery. Pasupathy and Vaiyapuri have done a great job with the supporting roles. I also take this opportunity to welcome Manisha Koirala back into the human race (she was beginning to look like an alien species, especially in Mudhalvan).Though I am not a die hard fan of either Kamal or Rajini, this movie throws up a pretty convincing case to join the Kamal fan club.

Verdict: This is one of the funniest movies EVER. Don't miss it.

Chandramuki:
Had to rush from Santham to Shanti theatre, didn't want to miss the intro scene of the 'superstar'. Made it with 4 minutes to spare. Rajini's introduction was the usual high voltage stuff (especially with over 500 hard core Rajini fans testing the limits of their vocal chords). A remake of the Malayalam hit "Manichitrathalu" this would have been a pretty good movie except for the casting. One expects certain gimmicks from the superstar, well, that's how he became the superstar in the first place. This movie lacks the usual punch dialogues or hand gestures that have become the hallmark of recent Rajini movies. The flick moves along predictable lines except for a few glitches. There is a fight scene which is there for reasons best known only to the director. Rajini decides to beat the brains out of some guy for absolutely no reason. I spent all of last evening and most of this morning trying to come up with a plausible reason for that scene and I haven't succeeded. The scene where Rajini reads the Bhagavad Gita at midnight with his sunglasses on was as hilarious as some of the scenes from Mumbai Express.

Verdict: Watchable, but don't go to the theaters expecting the usual Superstar pot boiler, you will be in for a disappointment.

Contributions to:
Superstar Superannuation Fund
Actors Guild
C/O.Vijayakanth aka Captain
Tamil Nadu.

The Bus to Nowhere

2005-04-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

Halleluiah! Praise the lord, and all that. For only the millionth time we are going to try another confidence building measure with our friendly neighbor. A bus across the line of control. Wow, who ever came up with such a brilliant idea? Has to be one of those IAS, IFS types, no one else has enough Yak shit in their heads to think of such idiocy.
YAK SHIT

Our brothers, sisters, uncles etc across the border, train and arm militants to come over for a soup, pulao and a bout of AK-47 firing in Kashmir, Mumbai, Delhi and Korukupatti, while we spend a couple of zillions to try and keep alive 25 poor souls who want to visit their brothers, sisters, uncles etc across the border.

How is a bus load of people going to help two countries stop aiming nuclear tipped missiles at each other’s assholes? The learned bureaucrats have probably come up with something as mundane as “if there are people to people contacts, there will be better understanding of each other and therefore we will be able to jointly root out terrorism”. Idiots, wake up. The Pakistanis bomb Al-Qaeda hideouts in the north and train Laksher-E-Toiba personal in the south. They have been doing that since 2001 and they are not about to stop it because of a bus that doesn’t even have “in-bus” entertainment. The irony is pretty rich; the militants trained by our chums start spraying bullets on the bus that is supposedly a confidence building measure between the two countries.
Our mates across a couple of oceans have a better idea of rooting out terrorism. You just smart bomb the bastards out of the universe. You want to meet Allah? We shall help you achieve your goal. You want to shag your virgins in paradise; let us give you a ride in our Tomahawk.

Why didn’t the Americans send a friendly confidence building Boeing (with in-flight entertainment of course) to Kabul with garlands, streamers et al? People to people contact, so that they both learn a bit about each other and then jointly work on an agenda to bag the big bad ‘O’ man. No Boeings for Afghanistan. F-16s and stealth bombers are the American way of doing things. But, what is good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. India is not allowed to bomb terrorist training camps. We should train bus drivers and play more cricket as a means of fighting terrorists.
The BJP a loyal friend of Uncle Sam did an about-face when Mad Modi was refused a visa; the congress that used to keep its distance from big Uncle has suddenly found that they are in love with the Bushmen (I repeat, I have nothing against the American people, only against its current morally repugnant government).

Politics and diplomacy
Is quite mad and crazy
Most times without reason
The leaders commit high treason

Contributions to:
Kevlar for the bus driver
JK state transport corporation
Srinagar.

2005-04-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

The AM drinks Chai @13500 feet above sea level.

An ariel view of Gangtok city.

The antimatter himself!

A pic taken from Alliance Air flight CD7542 from Kolkatta to Chennai. They said the Indian govt prohibits shooting photos from an an aircraft. That was enough reason for me to shoot this.

Up in the Himalayas

2005-04-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

This ROCKS (Literally!!)

17 KM to China and 5 KM to BABA MANDIR (Yeah, the same one)

Oh Magnolia!

The moody Teesta river. (Some say it has PMS)

It was a punishing 30 KM trek to this spot. But the view, one would agree, was worth the pain.

The Singalila range, now that is what I call a "tent" with a view.(Woke up and stepped out to this sight on day 2 of the trek)

2005-04-04T04:59:00.000-07:00

The Kanchendzonga. (This is the sight that set me off on the quest)

The Magical and Frozen Tsangpo Lake

More Antimatter Life

2005-03-22T21:02:00.000-08:00

I never considered my life interesting enough for others to follow. But after reading many blogs, books and other assorted crap I ‘did’ realize that I ‘do’ lead an interesting life. Therefore I am going to write about myself (don’t you worry, the usual incoherent ramblings will also continue) and make an online diary to help people learn a bit more about me. Not interested? Oh yeah! And fuck you too
18th March-10 Pm- the antimatter is happily drinking in the hallowed precincts of the Haddows club. A friend decides to put in an appearance and tells me that he wants his next drink in Bangalore. Yippee, that is right up my alley.11 PM, the Antimatter is near Sriperambadur, sipping extra diluted whiskey and driving.

The next two days consist of, just drinking and being a total idiot. ‘Taika’ in Church Street, Bangalore is highly recommended for doing things like that. I-bar@ THE PARK is also pretty interesting. I spend two days drinking and eating, nothing else to vie for my attention.

21st March- 6 PM- @ home. Still continuing the drinking binge and I decide I want to go to Sikkim. Been wanting to take a peek a boo of the Mt.Khangchendzonga, and if the mountain wont come to Mohammad then Mohammad has to go there, right? There is a flight to Delhi at 8 PM. Called my travel advisor and he tells me that the flight to Delhi is full therefore I cant leave. So I invite him home and we work out options over a drink. I end up booking myself to Kolkatta on Wednesday evening and then to Bagdogra on Thursday morning. We send half a bottle of whiskey to its demise just to celebrate the booking. (Boy, this went from mad to worse). A friend who was drinking with me (the same dude who began this whole saga by coming to Haddows club and putting the Bangalore idea into my noggin) was to leave to Japan that night. So I decide to drop him at the airport. Since we were in the mood to decide on lots of things, we decided to make one more decision and that was to decide to make a pit stop at The Trident to familiarize ourselves with the layout. And we end up having a few more drinks there. By this time I have lost count of the amount of Bacchius nectar that is parked in my system. We reach airport without any unfortunate incidents. On the way back, this time someone sober is driving, (the antimatter might be wild but he’s not really into Hara Kari) I am invited to the Ramada for a final binge. Who am I to fight fate. So I go there, get cuckooed and reach home in an approximate state of consciousness.

22nd March 9 AM- Went to Indian Airlines office, got my ticket endorsed (that 16 coupon thingy that IC decided to bless us all with). Updates from Kolkatta and Sikkim will happen in a few days. Till then have fun and do what you wanna do. Remember YOU only live once.

More Disclaimers:
I never intended to write about what I do, did, or will do. But then I spent an inordinate amount of time listening to an idiot talk about the interesting evening he spent with the “Lions Club”. Jeez if people actually think that others want to hear about a “Lions Club” meeting, then they are definitely willing to listen about the consistency of dog poo!

P.S.Side note: That Modi moron pisses me off, but when Bush decides that he won’t give a visa to the Modi moron, it pisses me off even more. Ti’s all relative. (Thank you Einstein and screw you Bush).

Contributions to:
Play More Work Less Foundation
C/O Work More Play Less Foundation
Psychological Research Foundation
Lions Club Foundation.
Rotary Foundation
Foundation Foundation.

Rituals for the Dead

2005-03-18T02:46:00.000-08:00

If you are unfamiliar with the Indian rituals for the dead (specifically the Hindus, but other religions have jumped into the bandwagon in recent times) you will find this informative. If you are familiar with the rituals then you might find this either amusing or disgusting. If you are one of those prudes with a hemorrhoid who thinks making fun of traditions or death is wrong, I suggest you click here.

Description of the dead:
A person who forgot to breathe for an extended period of time.

Lay out of the dead person’s earthly remains and surroundings:
The dead body is placed in the living (pun intended) room with the relatives of the dead surrounding it. The wails are punctuated with a brief episode of silence before someone else takes up the wailing. The place is filled with enough smoke (ritual burning of incense sticks) to give an inferiority complex to a pub on a Saturday night. The decibel level of the wails is indirectly proportional to the wealth left behind by the dead person.

Accepted conversations around the dead:
There are specific things that fall under the category of “accepted topics of conversation” in a dead mans house. Talk about what a good man he was. He could have been a homicidal psychotic maniac who killed the bishop, but that is forgotten during the funeral. (I wonder what would have been said during Hitler’s funeral if there was one. “Here lies a good man, who killed six million Jews and two million other assorted fellow beings. He believed in the supremacy of the Aryan race, he lived and died a man good at heart, unfortunately he misplaced his heart on the day he attained puberty and never found it till the end”)??

Rituals of the dead:
The dead person is laid out on a mat with a ‘One rupee’ coin stuck on his forehead. Probably to buy a ticket on the bus to wherever he is going, heaven or hell costs the same I guess. (This one rupee ritual might have originated from the ancient Greek tradition of covering the dead persons eyes with coins, which is used to pay the boatman Charon, who takes the dead person across the mythical river Styx to the land of the dead. No coin, no ride, the dead man is left in a limbo, haunting old castles instead of either rotting in hell or living it up in heaven.)
He is then taken on a ceremonial tour to the crematorium. This is where the fun begins. Amateur dancers dead drunk on cheap liquor escort the ceremonial tour. As they have enough liquor in them to be hired out as a brewery, they act crazier than is normal for humans. The path to the crematorium or cemetery is converted into “The strip”. Firecrackers, flash bangs, mad dances, drunken screams, floral displays, it makes one think that the whole family has been eagerly waiting for this guy to kick the proverbial bucket. Once he decided to oblige them, the joy overflows and celebrations are unleashed with an urgency that would have made the dead man proud to be dead.

The Crematorium or burial ground:
Spooky songs belted out on high quality loudspeakers and drunken ‘funeral directors’. (I use that term loosely.) Hindu rituals say that the people accompanying the cortege have to put rice over the dead mans mouth besides sticking more coins on the forehead. When the funeral directors see the coins being brought out, a fight usually erupts amongst them as to who gets the coins. Sometimes it turns violent, and the whole thing takes on a surreal tinge.
A bunch of half naked graveyard workers fighting on the sidelines, big speakers with spooky songs, a slight drizzle, stray dogs all around chewing on big bones (big bones in a crematorium would certainly be the femur of someone’s grand mother). Human bodies being burnt all around, the smell of burning flesh, the ash flying like mist in a mountain. A nasty old crone mumbling to herself and digging through the ashes of bodies already burnt hoping to find a coin that others had missed. The laments for the dead in DTS surround sound. Thank heavens I wont be there for my funeral.

If you want Antimatter to say a few good words during your funeral send your contributions to:

Antimatter.

Antimatter and his life

2005-03-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

The antimatter hasn’t had an opportunity to write in a long while. It is not writers block, just lack of time. Complaining about lack of time has never been a virtue of mine (yeah, some people think it’s a virtue and complaining about lack of time will get them a membership in a high profile “Oh, I am so busy“ club). All of a sudden there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in a day, nor enough days in a week nor…….. A quick recap of events the past week. Went to watch Mark Knofler – he was brilliant; went to Bhubaneshwar- it sucked; ate crab meat in ginger sauce- it was ok; met a long lost friend- went on a nostalgic trip; flew on Alliance Air- it was like bungee jumping; spent hours with my three month old nephew (ok, now I know why I was always short of time)- it was amazing; saw Indian politics go from filth to stinking filth- nothing new; taught “sing a song of sixpence” to a friend in her mid twenties- satisfying; got a job offer when I hadn’t asked for one- went D-uh and just took it!

That’s enough biography to last a couple of lifetimes. Getting back to things that matter, vinodg has written his take on the union budget, brilliant piece of work. If you want entertainment, that’s the place to look.

Contributions to:
Fund to balance the budget
Money for nothing foundation
Federal governments worldwide.

Tamil Cinema News

2005-02-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

Ajith has been selected to play the lead role in the sequel to “Babe in the City”. The director has reportedly asked Ajith to lose a few kilos before the start of shoot.

In other breaking news, the producer of the yet to be titled movie starring Vijayakanth, said the “Captain” will refrain from running around trees with heroines a quarter his age, instead high tech graphics will be used to make the trees run around him and his heroine 1/4th his age.

Dhanush the handsome young silver screen sensation has been signed on for a new movie titled, ‘Bhoot part 2’. He will be starring as the ghost. Ram Gopal Verma said, “Bhoot 2 is a low budget film, I will save a substantial sum on make up.”

The famed mic Mohan who entertained the masses with films featuring melodious songs is once again producing and starring in a movie. The movie will be playing three shows a day for two days in the back seat of a Maruti van. Advance booking will not be necessary.

The Chennai city traffic police, in their drive to regulate unruly motorists have recruited Kiran, the young actress who made her debut in the runaway hit “Gemini”. Sources in the traffic commissioner office say that she will act as a temporary ‘round about’ in congested road junctions during peak hours.

Superstar Rajinikanth’s new venture ‘Chandramuki’ has been sold for a record sum to Azim Premji. Azimji has reportedly said, “ I am running short of space to keep my money, I need to claim a huge loss in some venture”.

Mumtaz of “Malai Malai” fame was stopped at the Melbourne airport on her way to Tasmania where she is scheduled to act in a song sequence for the soon to bomb movie “Malai Malai”. A Melbourne airport authority spokesperson later clarified that the quarantine officer on duty had mistaken her for a white pachyderm.

Simbu aka Silambarasan, in an interview to the press late this evening said that he has decided to retire from the film industry. The news kicked off celebrations in cities around the world.

All characters, names, locations and events in this article are surreal. The author is not sure if they are a figment of his imagination or not. If sued, the author will claim innocence under the insanity act.
No part of this article is meant to hurt the sentiments of any person, animal or ‘round abouts’.

Send your spare Drachmas to:
Make a Good movie and watch the video pirates rake in the moolah
Burma Bazzar
Chennai

What a wonderful world

2005-02-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

(Title, thanks to Louis Armstrong)
This is the country that kills a few thousand Muslims in Gujarat and then a few months later, gets itself a Muslim President. A few thousand Sikhs are killed because a prime minister goes on an aerial trip to meet the maker thanks to a Sardar with a grudge against her, and a couple of decades later we have a Sikh prime minister to show that we are the most tolerant dodos on the planet. (Never mind the fact that, even as the present PM takes charge, a few of his collegues are indicted in the ’84 riots that killed thousands of his brethren.) Either we are sick and need help, or, we are sick and need help.

This has given antimatter a brilliant idea to solve all the world’s problems.

Israel: Elect a Palestine as the prime minister of the country and let Ariel Sharon take over as the Palestine’s representative. Even if they both work on a negative agenda, at least we will get a result in a couple of decades.

Iran: Let the moderate President Khatami hand over the administration to the Ayatollah and get himself a dacha in the black sea. The moderate militant students will kill the hardliner clerics and become hardline-moderate students (!). The hard line clerics will be scared into submission. Khatami can come back from his vacation and continue his deeds.

Sri Lanka: Hand over the Tamil territories to the LTTE. What the hell, lets go all the way and hand over the whole country to the LTTE. When Prabakaran comes out to campaign in support of a Prime ministerial candidate, bomb his ass out of existence. Am sure he will understand the tit for tat, eye for an eye thingy (and may his soul rest in peace). Start peace talks with a clean slate.

Afghanistan: Get the American troops out of there and. …well, let them sort out their own differences. At least it would keep the whole world amused while teaching the Afghan’s that fighting ain’t worth a shit except as free programming material for CNN.

Chechnya: Just give those guys the bloody land. The Russians have more land than anyone else.

Taiwan: Draw an agreement that will have Taiwan merging with mainland China the day their per capita income draws level.

North Korea: Name Kim Jong Ill as the “dear leader” of a unified Korea and continue with democracy. Gee, it’s that simple.

Iraq: Get the entire US army in there. That way, they will be too busy thrusting democracy down the Iraqi’s throats, thereby keeping the rest of the world in a relative state of peace.

USA: More homicides are committed each day in the cities of USA than most of the so called ‘hot spots’ on the planet, so we shall send in a UN force (consisting of Iraqi’s, Iranian’s, North Korean’s, Afghan’s, Palestinians, Croatian’s and Chechen’s to keep law and order in the worlds most powerful ‘democracy’.)

Politics and diplomacy suck.

This is a simplistic solution? So give me a better one instead of finding holes in the idea.

Send your contributions to:

The king of Saudi Arabia
(He doesn’t need the money, but he is still greedy for more)
Charity begins at home, so, give some more for the house of Sauds!
(That particular house is not your home? Well, they never specified ‘whose’ ‘home’)

Lobotomy Untangled

2005-01-28T00:13:00.000-08:00

'Psychothymic mood swings'. According to a psychiatrist, Boris Yeltsin (the ex Russian president) was suffering from this illness. Someone please explain the idea behind a psychiatrist. A guy who talks to the spirits is considered an idiot, astrology is unflushed crap, crystal ball gazers are candidates for the fuckwits club, but a shrink makes sense??
Am I missing something here, how does one read another persons mind? A perfectly nice guy who says please at breakfast in a coffee shop will chop his neighbor into bite sized pieces that night because of a disagreement over whos dog peed where. And the mumbo jumbo names given to exotic mental illness are designed to make sense only to the elite club of millionaire shrinks.

Antimatter has decided to unshrink the facts and give you an explanation for some commonly used psychiatric terms.

Multiple personality disorder:
A person who is not sure whether, he is the person that he is, or, is the person whom he thought he was, or, is the person who is actually the person who thinks he is the person who thought he was that person, or, is the person who thought he thinks is the person who thought the person who thought is the person but actually wasnt that person but is the person who thought the person is a manifestation of all the above persons.

Homicidal Psychopathic Syndrome:
Commonly occurring in females. Normally afflicts them when the boyfriend/husband pisses them off (I wonder if it affects lesbians. Any light thrown on the subject will be appreciated). Usually cured by flowers. In acute cases a candle lit dinner or jewelry might be necessary.

Acute Depression
An illness invented by the big pharmaceutical companies to increase their profits. Prozac an anti depression drug has remained in the global top 10 (the drug companies call it the "pillpop top 10") for decades. No one has ever been cured of this non-existent mental illness.

Schizophrenia
In a person afflicted by the big S, a part of the mind will move into a solitary cell part of the mind and think that all other parts of the mind are out to attack the part of the mind that is in the solitary cell part of the mind. Some times the part of the mind in the solitary cell part of the mind is right, other times the part of the mind that is not in the solitary cell part of the mind is right. But it pays to remember that at no part of time are both, i.e. the part of the mind in the solitary cell part of the mind as well as the other parts of mind that are not in the solitary cell part of the mind right.

Psychothymic mood swings (PMS)
Here you travel the distance from the above mentioned acute depression to its opposite 'acute joy' in a few milli seconds. It would all be nice and hunky dory if one goes from sadness to happiness, the trouble starts when one keeps traversing that distance back and forth six times an hour. Then you tend to look like a clown in a B-grade circus. Now you giggle, now you sob, you giggle, you sob..giggle..sob.. gigg..so..gig..s, you get the picture?

PMS (Post Menstrual Syndrome)
Reams and reams have been written on this bio-mental activity. Though no cure has ever been found, there have been a few strides in the quest to understanding this syndrome. The first fact to be discovered is that, all animal species including the humans tend to feel a little under the weather when blood flows away from the confines of the body. The second and more important fact is that the members of the female species like the idea of having Psychlothymic Mood Swings and they use PMS as an excuse, maybe that's why both have the same abbreviation.

Authors note: For those who have issues against the PMS bit, yeah yeah yeah, I have tried to understand that thing and lost the race. I have no intentions of increasing my knowledge on that subject anymore. People who come out with highly intelligent observations such as, "you don't know what its like", "a man will never know the pain of going through it", and the classic "you are an asshole", will be banging the head against the proverbial wall. If I were meant to understand PMS I would have been born a woman. I am not, and I have learnt to live with it, I suggest you do too.

Enjoy what's left of life before the shrinks get you.

Contributions to:
The Shrink Coordination committee for finding non-existent mental illness
National Institute of Mental Health and Neurological Sciences
Bangalore India.

Bhubaneshwar Travelogues

2005-01-28T00:03:00.000-08:00

This place defies all conventional capitalist wisdom. For those of you who think Bangalore is laid back, let me assure you, compared to this place, Bangalore is a fighter plane with its thrusters on. To give you an example, the government office-staff come to work at 11.30 A.M and go home at 4. Oh, and they take a two hour lunch break. One wonders why they bother leaving home (nope, I wont wonder how they get any work done. You do the wondering on that).
Everything happens in slow motion around here. Whether it is the hotel receptionist filling out the register or the doorman opening the door. If you ask a guy on the road for the time, he will take a while to move his wrist to his eyes, squint at his watch and tell you the time in stretched syllables. His watch would be an hour behind anyways. Time is as important as crow shit, in this part of the world. Odiya's refuse to let their lives be run by a tiny gadget around their wrist.
The people of Orissa are the most profound thinkers to have ever laid paws on earth. Ask a person the way from point A to point B in Bhubaneshwar, and, you can go have breakfast, make mango juice, drink it, design a new space ship from scratch and come back to find that the guy is still ruminating over your question.
The people here are probably the most 'contented with life' clan in the Indian subcontinent. They are a totally satisfied race. Road rage does'nt exist here, they are unbelievably patient, whether it is the delay in trains, cancelled flights, or a misbehaving auto rickshaw driver blocking traffic because he's facing a mid road crisis about the right and left turns of life. On the latter case they just patiently sit behind their steering wheels and handle bars waiting for the confused auto driver to reach a decision and clear the way for others to pass. No curses, no honking, not even a dirty glare. Economically Orrisa might rank down there with the BIMARU states, but as far as satisfaction with the life goes, it is right on top of the heap.
The auto drivers are a much-abused clan in this country and most times rightly so. But the guys here are of a different mould. For a distance of 10 km, an auto driver in Bangalore will charge 70 rupees, in Kerala it would be 90 in Chennai it would be your family jewels (pun, totally intended) and half your house, but here he will ask for 40 rupees and give you a terrified look that says, "I hope you don't think its too much". I am happy to report that I have never bargained with an auto driver here.
Smiling through the day seems to be a unique Odiya trait. They are forever smiling, not the sad or the sarcastic smile, it is the smile of the cat that got the cream and has a fish stashed away for lunch. No discotheques, no glamorous watering holes, not even a shopping arcade, and they seem so happy. (Lessons to be learnt.)
The SISIR SARAS is a tribal festival that is conducted during the second half of January. The tribes from the neighboring districts display their wares and the tribes from other parts of the country (that includes me) come to buy the wares and see the tribes do the Joomba Joomba dance. With the help of an interpreter I asked a tribal about her lifestyle and if she was happy with her current way and state of life (I must have sounded like a NDTV reporter, but then, curiosity is my middle name). Surprise, surprise, she was completely contented with what Madam. Fate had dished out to her. Is it the air, or is it the lack of ambition that runs in the Odiya blood or is it the fact that most Odiya's have'nt seen enough material pleasures to want more? Whatever it is, the rest of the world would do well to learn a few things from these wonderful people about slowing down a bit in a world that seems to be moving at speeds far in excess of what it was designed for.

Contributions to:
Take a moment to smell the flower foundation
Greenwich Village
United Kingdom

Bottom 10 Books

2005-01-11T08:59:00.001-08:00

Inspired by some list makers out there, I decided to make a list of ‘10 must read books’. But then better sense prevailed, there are lots of ‘10 must reads’ brought out by such prestigious publications like the ‘Wollongong times’ and ‘The Timbuktu Herald’.
So, I decided to do a service to the ladies, gentlemen and other assorted species. Here is my list of “Must cross the road if you see these books”.
The worst ever books. I am not including the so-called classics here; they will be dissected another day. (This consists of books I have read or tried to read, feel free to add more, d-uh, use the comments section dodos)
10. Making the Minister Smile-Anurag Mathur
An absolutely insipid story about trying to make a minister smile. Even a 10 year old knows that the only way to make a minister smile is to transfer all the money in yours, your wife’s and your neighbors bank account to the ministers personal benefit fund. So why write three hundred odd pages of rubbish?
9. Flight of the Eagle- Peter Watt
The damn cover said, and I quote, “As good as Wilbur Smith, or your money back”. Idiot that I am, I missed the small asterix that says, “see inside for details”. The fact that it was written in Arial font size- .00000000001 is no excuse. I should have carried my electron microscope with me. Ok, getting back to the small print, it said that if I want my money back I have to return the book to the publishers along with my receipt. The publishers are in the United Kingdom and I am in the South Indian town of Chennai. My shipping charges will be thrice the value of the book, so, considering all things I decided to retain the book as a memento of my stupidity.
8. The House of Blue Mangos – David Davidar
A mega Ad campaign suckered me into buying this and I swore, never again shall I buy a book based on its promotion. This book is a mega serial in printed format.
7. A 5th portion of chicken soup for the soul- Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
I usually give this kind of book a wide berth, but an uncle’s rave reviews made me borrow the book. Now, I give my uncle a wide berth.
6. The Mandala of Sherlock Holmes – Jamyang Norbu
I have read and reread Sherlock Holmes when I was a kid. Thus its no surprise that I picked up this book in spite of its less than average reviews. I will pay more attention to reviewers in future.
5. New York Burning – Dominique Lapierre and Larry Collins
‘City of Joy’ was one of the most intense (clichéd but that’s the best word I can find) books I've read. Why do these guys have to do a crossover book and make us want to cross over the river Styx before picking up another book of theirs?
4. American Star- Jackie Collins
Now we are getting into the “I truly hate these books” phase. How this trash ever got into the bestseller list is beyond me. I’d rather read used tampons instead of this muck. The damn thing has gotta be tagged as a weapon of mass destruction. But then I was young.
3. Airframe – Michael Crichton
This is on the list just for spite. A guy who writes a book like “Prey” should not lend his name to this piece of crap. He could excuse it as a bad hair day, but I am still disappointed.
2. Bourne Legacy- Eric Von Lustbader
The ‘Bourne’ name will sell sand to a Bedouin. And that is exactly what they have tried to do here. ‘DO NOT go anywhere close to this book. It is God’s wake up call to all bookworms. This book is the eighth deadly sin. Fucking hell, I have never cursed an author, But here I will make an exception.
1.are you afraid of the dark? – Sidney Sheldon
This book is still in the top 10 of every Indian bestseller list. This book should carry a warning that says, “ There is a sucker born every minute, welcome to the society, buddy.” Yeah, so many good books, one should expect a lousy one, but one shouldn’t expect an author’s crap to be printed as a book. Me thinks they took Sid’s used toilet paper, made copies and sold it to the public. Actually even that can’t be this bad.

Kindly send your contributions to:
Watch more TV, read less books
Fox Networks,
We are there, everywhere.

"Peoples" of the world Unite

2005-01-04T00:57:00.000-08:00

“And providing hope to suffering peoples.”
-George Bush, president of the United States addressing a press conference on January 3, 2005.

The ‘peoples’ of England might not be too happy with their government for supporting a man who is committing genocide of their language. Gee, I try so hard not to pick on the most idiotic president any nation has ever seen, but he refuses to let me do it. I mean its your bloody mother tongue damn it and it’s the only language you know, you can’t not be able to communicate in even a single language and have a finger on the button that can destroy planet earth 70 times over. Think about it, if his Sec of defense comes and tells him that the Chinese have sent a missive, there is a very good chance that GWB will launch missiles in retaliation.

Tsunami relief, ex presidents Clinton and Bush senior are deputed to organize the fund raising. And a press conference with the three of them turned into yet another foot in the mouth display of the leader of the most ‘powerful’ nation on earth. Ex-president Clinton’s glaring over the shoulder sure as hell didn’t help GWB junior. Clinton’s amused smile that said, “Dubya, you don’t have a clue as to what you do, have you?” had a predictably unnerving effect on him.
I thought we were rid of the Bush scourge, but looks like there might be a change in the script. Jeb Bush the Governor of Florida is being brought into the forefront in a not too subtle way, and looks like he is being groomed to become the 44th president of the United States. Well, we managed to survive a tsunami; we might actually live through another term of Bushmen, after all, life runs on hope.

The ‘peoples’ (???) of America have given more money and aid to the victims than the rest of the world put together. Corporates and individuals of a nation on the other side of a tragic world have dug deep into their pockets and derided their leaders who act like descendents of Scrooge McDuck. A country that gave us an innumerable number of extremely intelligent beings will give us an idiot once in a while. And statistics say that once in a very rare ‘while’, one of those idiots will become a president.

Send your “thank you” notes to:
The People(s) of the world for contributing to the relief efforts
Planet Earth (Across the street from Planet Mars)
Milky Way Galaxy.

P.s I have received a few mails regarding the word "peoples". Some say its usage is correct in this context, some say it is not. I will let the ayes and nays fight over it. I got better things to do, like, have an intelligent conversation with my rubber duck.

Nature Unleashed

2004-12-28T00:08:00.000-08:00

25000, the current body count according to BBC at 6 P.M GMT on 27th December. This is probably the worst natural disaster since the plague. 25000 is an optimistic count, though one wishes that it would be a pessimistic one. Ground realities say otherwise. I have stayed in the shores of Phuket, Port Blair, the southern coastline of India and Sri Lanka and if nature had done to these places what it did to the beaches of Chennai, then we are looking at figures that could be many times that number.
Most fishing villages in India as well as Sri Lanka share a common border with the high tide line. Two to three meter waves are capable of creating a disaster of gigantic propositions. The consequences of ten-meter waves are beyond the imagination of human faculties.
Heart wrenching scenes in hospitals, family members unable to come to grips with the loss of their friends and relatives who were playing or walking or just doing what they do on a normal Sunday morning on the shores of their closest beach. A mother screaming at her dead son, asking him to wake up. A fisherman who’s lost his father and brother trying hard to hold back his tears as he talks to a TV reporter. A man sobbing and waiting to retrieve the mortal remains of his daughter and sister. Trembling men and women searching among a sea of bodies for missing relatives.
Fishermen, the usually hardy folks who see tragedies on a regular basis (in this part of the world, at least) were overwhelmed by this gross misbehavior of nature. Many thousands of their ilk missing and many more thousands of relatives killed. Walking through the streets of coastal Chennai, where most fishermen live, one could find ambulances returning the recovered bodies at the rate of at least one per street. Sunday television viewing consisted of gory mass burials for people whose bodies weren’t claimed. When entire families are wiped out who claims the dead?
Holiday makes who were spending their Christmas weekend watching the sunrise beyond the seas in amazingly beautiful places across South East Asia. Churchgoer's singing hymns in churches close to the sea that till this day was their version of god meets nature. Described by most news channels as “a tragedy of biblical propositions” maybe they missed the irony of what happened during the time half the world was celebrating Christmas.
The most capable television crew, or Pulitzer Prize winning correspondent cannot describe what happened on the 26th of December. The scale of destruction cannot be told or absorbed by the people who are used to the biggest of disasters.
With reports yet to come from places like Maldives, that is barely one meter above sea level and other assorted islands that the world has largely ignored till black Sunday, the exceedingly huge loss of human life is beyond the widest imagination.
Blaming any government agencies or NGO’s for the rescue efforts or lack thereof for destruction this massive in scale is slightly beyond stupidity, so let us refrain from doing that. Nature decided to show humans the miniscule importance he/she has in the big canvas of things and succeeded quite well.
The nation that was riveted with the viewing of a mega tiff between two brothers fighting over a massive piece of monetary legacy, intellectual property rights and ‘god men gone wrong’ was brought to a sudden halt with a tragic loss that made all that seem insignificant by comparison.

Contributions to: (And this time there actually exists a fund in this name)
The Prime Ministers Relief fund
New Delhi
India.

Awe Struck

2004-12-15T21:13:00.000-08:00

What if each of our elementary particle is a universe one level down and each of us is an elementary particle in the universe one level up?
He who shrank by Harry Hasse

Takes a quantum leap in the thought process. A thought surely worth pursing as Carl Sagan says. Ok, I am in the Carl Sagan rules, mode at this point of time.
Never in the history of science did it find an advocate of his caliber who could write for the layman and it doesnt look like its going to find one in the near future. Brocas Brain, is the first book I am reading and its just 166 pages down with a lot more to go! Why am I writing about this? Raving is usually reserved for authors whose books I've read, either totally, or at the very least, nearing the climax. This guy is an exception. First published in 1978, Brocas Brain tries to give you facts and leaves you alone with them. At no point of time (ok, 166 pages of it at least) are you asked to believe in anything written in it. Never draws a conclusion for you.
Sagan was a NASA astronomer who wrote in English as opposed to books written in scientific mumbo jumbo by other scientific types, he spoke physics, chemistry and biology in a language that even I can understand. (If you are a regular reader of this crappy blog and want to know, what's with the I am so humble attitude, .Sorry you dont get to know). He also happened to have a leading part in launching all early interplanetary space crafts besides winning a Pulitzer prize and reducing NASAs medal inventory by large numbers.
Sagan doesnt trash the conventional lay mans thinking, he lays the facts on the table and tells you to pick the dishes you want for dinner.
From ancient myths to modern day astronomers, they all come in for an analytical review. The reader peering over Sagans shoulder while he examines the legends, is treated to an extremely comprehendible walk through the scientific maze that is normally scratch the head and wait for assistance for unscientific kind of people. Laced with an almost mischievous sense of humor, he maintains a narrative that would give authors of best selling thrillers a run for their money.
Criticizing with dignity takes an effort, and this book is a huge leap in the learning curve. Sagan criticizes with dignity that adds credulity to the criticism. How does one tell which hypothesis is right or wrong? One doesnt. One does it the Sagan way. Simple, provide the facts, and let the reader reach his own conclusions. The reader (in this case me, which in case you havent figured out yet, you need to shut down your computer and go swing from trees.) learns more about the universe and its workings from reading his book than, most followers of obscure religious sects learn in a lifetime. He gives you an interpretation of his thoughts and lets you continue the thinking. Carl Sagan rules! Told you that already? Well, listen to it again.
Name one scripture that lets you think and I will..hmmbuying you a holiday villa in Venice is too much, but slightly lesser wagers are acceptable (Ice cream at the neighborhood store?). Religious books give you conclusions and people find it easier to follow them. If I am told the value of pi to its thousandth decimal place its surely easier than being asked to calculate it. We are provided with conclusions during the growing years so we end up with minimum questions and loads of conclusions. (That is a conclusion! But then, I reached it all by myself. Lollipop for Antimatter.)

P.s. I owe it to a friend for bringing Carl Sagan to my attention. Thanks.

All contributions to be sent to:
Recall the three Medal of Honor
Americans for a sane America (that would be the entire population minus the government)
US of A

Gravy in the Graveyard

2004-12-13T06:18:00.000-08:00

Things that go bump. Lets see, the following things go bump in the night,
1. Ghosts 2. Blind mosquitoes 3.Drunk men driving too fast 4.The night sticks of security personal doing their rounds.
Of all these the latter kind are the most interesting. Unless you have actually seen a ghost, in which case the interesting top 100 might take a different hue. I spoke to three security type people before reaching this conclusion.

The first one was the night guard in a software company. When I asked him if he liked his job he looked at me like I was a maniac. He actually took two steps back and kept his right hand close to his baton. When I told him I was taking a survey (I was actually waiting for a friend to finish his job and come out so that we could go on a Saturday night binge) he relaxed a bit but his hand still stayed close to his stick. He said he had been doing this job for nearly ten years and all he did was read magazines and drink coffees.

The second was a guard at a nightclub. He said he found his job pretty entertaining. What with carrying bacchius disciples to their cars and knocking the skulls of the odd misbehaving character. He said he couldn’t complain about the job. Besides he was raking in the moolah, tipped heavily by embarrassed girl friends and boyfriends whose other half’s he had to carry to their choice of transport for the night.

The third person was the most interesting. He was the night watchman for a graveyard. Night watchmen for graveyards? It was a crazy question to ask someone sitting in the graveyard at one in the morning. But what could I do, the inquiring mind of mine will traverse through any path however rocky and thorny to satisfy its curiosity.
He told me he had been talking to a bottle of rum for a couple of hours, and the rum having run out of its lifespan was lying in an empty frame of mind and bottle in the corner. Being wise in the ways of the world, I had come prepared, a bottle rum, two plastic containers and a bottle of cold water. I thought of getting a fried chicken but sitting in a graveyard and biting on the leg of a chicken is taking it a bit too far, even by my standards.
We sat down between gravestones and got drinking and talking. I cant repeat all the stories I heard, we spent over two hours talking about night life in the graveyard and helping our bottle of rum towards its demise. I would advice all those who read this to go to your neighborhood grave yard and spend a night drinking with the night watchman. Spooky stories, hilarious happenings, scary moments, sad anecdotes, this guy has seen it all and he ranks among the greatest storytellers of all time. The least surprising fact of the evening was the rums effect on him; it was like water on the proverbial duck.
He told me about the grave of Mary Joseph, people always seemed to trip as they cross it for no apparent reason. The grave of Aloysius where all the huge centipedes (each the size of a grown mans arm) used to meet during the rains. This is a huge graveyard and centipedes holding their annual convention on one particular grave is a surprising fact. Samuel Zackriah's grave where the gravestone breaks on first week of august each year and this has been happening for over a decade. The funny gurgling noise that emits from the belly of Ravi Vincents grave. The weird bearded guy with long locks and a small kettle drum who roams the graveyard at night but is never seen during the day.
I was given the ten-cent tour of the graveyard; unfortunately we didn’t pass through Mary Joseph's grave so at this point of time I cannot verify if the nightwatchman's claim is true. By this time our bottle had reached the end of its tether and went to join its brother in the corner and I was half asleep from its influences. I have a standing invitation to visit my friend in the graveyard anytime I want. Though should I go without a bottle of rum I am sure the welcome will not exactly qualify to five star standards. I will go again and I will write again, you are welcome to join me, just bring your own bottle of rum.

Contributions to
The Get Drunk Foundation
Bar Around the Corner
!!! (cont tommo)Too Drunk Today

If you are in love, dont read this

2004-12-10T05:59:00.000-08:00

There are two kinds of people in this world. ‘People who reflect on the romance of science’ and ‘people who reflect on the science of romance’ (quote inspired by ‘Broca’s Brain’ - Carl Sagan). The former is something of a rarity while the latter is like the common cold. It eludes me as to how a ‘human being’ can go through an entire lifetime without giving a thought about life, living on this planet and not asking the big, “What am I? What is life all about? ”, question.
Why do people spend an inordinate amount of time thinking how to buy a car that’s bigger than their neighbors, but don’t spend 1/43rd of a second to ponder why the earth goes around the sun and not the other way round?
An often-asked question is, “what is his net worth?” What kind of a dumb ass question is that? How much am I worth? Ok, I am worth sixteen cowries and four hundred glass beads. Go figure.
Life has been simplified. Find the answers to sex and money and you have unraveled the riddle of existence. Sex includes, marriage, divorce, cohabitation et al. What is marriage? Two individuals who are given societies clearance to get laid. If the same individuals live together and do all that married couples do without exchanging a ring or some other such mundane crap, society frowns upon them. Pursuing the materialistic dream is not wrong; how far one goes with it is a question worth pursuing. And there are more pursuits. Men pursue women, women pursue cute little dogs, cute little dogs pursue big horny dogs, and big horny dogs pursue men who provide them with nice juicy bones. Conclusion, men pursue women and vice versa
You think you are better, bigger, badder (sic(ker)) than me. Fantastic, you are. So? You think anyone gives a shit? In my life, I rule. I make my rules and I give a goddamn hoot about what you think. That is what its all about. ME. That’s what I care about. Get used to it. If I said you mean the world to me I am lying. Social workers do their social working because it gives them satisfaction. Politicians, indulge in public service to further their causes or to thrust their opinions on the unsuspecting public. Again it is about them, not about you. . D-uh, what do you want now, a map? Sorry, the cartographer is closed for the day.
You don’t need to bond with anyone to make your life complete. You are all that you have! Your soul mate cannot share your stomachache or migraine. Finding, marrying (look above for explanation) and living with someone who shares your likes and dislikes is as far as one can go with the bonding. Romance sucks.
Oh, yeah, there is a sensible religion and Ayn Rand is its god.

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Increase Antimatters Net Worth
Blogspot.com
For your convenience I shall be creating a Paypal A/c

Fate Finds A Mate

2004-12-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

Its Christmas time. That sugary part of the year where love is all around and people smile at strangers because they are expected to carry a permanent grin on their face. 1/12 of all love stories begin in the month of December. 1/365th of love stories begin on Christmas day! Something sure is special this time of the year. That got me thinking. Ideal mate? For me an ideal mate would be my favorite chair. It stays where I put it. It's only aim is to keep me comfortably numb. It doesn't ask me for anything in return. Name a living being that can compete with that!
But unfortunately I have been asked to write about a dream girl. At first I thought I ll just go to sleep and dream. Fact of life No.1 :Dream girls turn up only in dreams. But additional incentives were offered. Irresistible incentives. So, here goes, if you want to apply for a date with me, here are some but not all of the conditions that need to be satisfied.
You have to be a looker. Maybe not drop dead gorgeous but not one half of the ugly sisters either. Looks do matter. Anyone who says it doesn't was most definitely a loser who was probably voted to park cars at the new years eve party.
An attitude is essential. Don't confuse attitude with a hang up. Attitudes are healthy little creatures that mark the individuality of a person. You need to have an opinion on most things. Fence sitting is alright if you don't have a chair to rest your sorry ass but its a no-no when it comes to taking sides on issues. People who say, "I am neither pro nor anti abortion", are a perfect reason why abortion should be legalised.
I wont open the door or pull a chair for you, if there's a door man and an usherer you are lucky, otherwise use YOUR hands. If your hand is fractured or temporarily out of service, then I will stand back, watch and laugh while you try to pull a chair or open a door using your legs or any other parts of your anatomy.
I will put up with any idiocy you do as long as it gets a laugh out of me or people around us (see I am not selfish). If you are funny, witty and have enough brains to find the punch line in a joke without me having to draw a map, we will get along just fine. Whiners beware, I am known to lose it with whiners. On extreme cases I will get violent or even homicidal.
Do not bother about what the people in the next table, next room or the next country are thinking about you. No one gives a damn. People around you are too busy trying to figure out what you are thinking about them, they dont care about your antics. I am your date, look at me, if you want to spend your evening thinking about how pretty the skirt on girl in the next table looks, then sit at home and watch FTV.
You might be hot, witty and entertaining but so are a few million others. You are not irreplaceable, never at any point assume that you have me eating out of your hand. That will lead to other stupid assumptions and you will make an idiot out of yourself. Spending an evening with an overconfident pompous woman is not on my list of, 'Things To do', for the next quazillion years. I will be tempted to turn sarcastic and I WILL make you cry.
I will drink, flirt with the hostess and generally act like an ass. You will not complain or sulk. That is the price you pay for an entertaining evening with me. If you are mad enough to come begging for another date you will be welcomed into a small but select club of women who have passed the trial by fire.

Send your contributions to:
Antimatters Fund to go on a quest for the perfect date
A/c.000400004 Citibank N.A
Papa New Guinea

Metaphysical Mumblings

2004-12-01T05:18:00.000-08:00

God is a collective noun. What if god are intellegient beings from another galaxy? Stop. Think. We are but actors in a stage, but our destinies are not controlled by some all powerful being sitting in his/her golden throne who sends his son for a sojourn here once in a while. We have our choices on all things (like what soap to buy), in fact we also have the power to decide what happens after we die. You can stop reading right now or you will have to read this entire post before calling for the men in white coats to fix me in arm and leg restraints.

Buddha, Mahavira, Vivekananda and a host of other enlightened creatures have said that the ultimate aim of humans is to stop the cycle of birth and death. Zen masters say, your thoughts at the moment you die decides your position on the food chain in your rebirth.
Suppose, at the moment of your death you are produced before a panel of alien beings (God?) who ask, “You have a choice. A) you go back to your planet as you were.(a near death experience?) or B)you can go back as a new being (rebirth?) or C) you can stop all this nonsense and become a part of the force. You come from nothingness (aka “the force)and you go back to it (Attaining nirvana?). What does one decide?
Since we are familiar with this world and humans being are conditioned to move in a familiar direction, most of us take choice A or B. The ego or the “I” factor takes the decision for us. The “I” developed over a lifetime doesn’t allow us to unlearn things in an instant. That’s why all spiritual teachings tell us to let go of all ties, materialistic and emotional. They ask you to stop thinking (I think therefore I am. I don’t think therefore I am not?) Osho the funny guy who almost began a rolls Royce dealership (for the uninitiated, he owned 99 of those frightfully expensive carts) said that a state of NO MIND is worth striving for. The others in the spiritual line up were also equally keen on the No Mind idea. Krishna the forerunner of strategic warfare was also insistent when he said, “the ego is the only thing that will stop you from attaining godhead, nirvana, bliss and other assorted absolute words.”
Life on earth is supposed to be a punishment according to the scriptures, at least the ones that don’t have a hero and sound like a badly written Mills and Boon novel. The choice of getting back to the infinite void is offered to you in each of your lifetimes. And each time we choose to come back to this world, the idea that one can stop this and become “nothing” scares the death out of us.
Living is overrated. Good things happen, bad things happen, what if nothing happened. Terrifying isn’t it? But we have never experienced nothingness. Buddha, Vivekandana, the zen masters and many others who have experienced the concept of nothingness in this lifetime say it’s brilliant. As is the usual case with homo sapiens we worship them and continue to ignore the core of their teaching.

I am going to be a nice guy and answer questions before I am asked.
a.I am not disgusted with life, on the contrary I believe in living it to the hilt.
b.Yes, I know there are lots of loose ends here, tying them up is not my job, you go do your own damn tying up loose ends shit.
c.If you belong to a monotheistic religion and you got an axe to grind its fine with me. Just don’t tell me to go read the bible or Koran, I probably have read it more than you and your grandmother put together. Show me relevant passages that make sense and I will reply.
d.You have the right to think. That is the only right no dictator, censor or moral and immoral police can take away from you. So use it and use it well, you will die one day and might be given a choice. Who knows this entire article might be true.
e.You have the right to complain, about this article. I suggest you use www.customersupport.microsoft.com to do it.
f.I will open an ashram if I get enough pretty women to fill it with.
Send your contribution to:
Buy a Rolls Royce for Antimatter Fund
Antimatter Ashram
To be opened Shortly

Airport security

2004-11-25T00:29:00.000-08:00

One hyphenated word sums up airport security. D-UH
Either terrorists are morons or regular passengers survive purely on luck. Even if the former is true the latter still holds true.
At the security desk of a local airport a long line of passengers patiently wait for the security staff to frisk them (a couple of shifty eyed forty something males look like they actually look forward to the frisking. Considering the fact that the plane’s next destination is Bangkok, I am not really surprised).
A bald man and his entourage walk towards security. The uniforms on duty snap to attention and wave him through. No checking bags, no frisking, no cursory checks. The uniforms are so engrossed on standing in their stiffest posture that they don’t notice that the baldies tails are carrying luggage that are way bigger than the allowed size for cabin baggage. The scene is a little comical, a bit like ducklings following momma duck. But the humor in it is quickly lost as I realize that any one of the tails can carry a home brewed bomb in one of those oversized bags and I might be shark feed in two hours. The fact that security seems fuck all bothered about whether the ducklings are a part of baldy's brood, or if an Al-Queda mobile destruction unit has sneaked in along with them, makes me want to scream at the uniforms. Baldy gets his boarding card stamped by a uniform who is still standing like he’s got serious hemorrhoid issues. I notice that none of the other ducklings carry a boarding card. This gets me even more jittery. What the hell is happening here?
a) A man is sent to board an aircraft without any of the basic security checks,
b) He and his personal porters breeze through security without so much as an identity check,
c) One can't be really sure that they are all HIS porters.
Here we are, pathetic passengers going through the kind of frisking and probing even a convicted drug smuggler wouldn’t have endured. Over zealous security staff checking our belongings a million times, displaying the contents of our bags like a vendor in a carnival. And there, is a bald shithead (whose major claim to fame would be the number of murders in his resume) walking past us like the president of a sovereign nation.
Fifteen minutes after take off, I proceed to get smashed drunk. If I am to be shark feed, the least I could do is marinate myself in good whiskey and give those poor things a feast. Let the world not remember me as shark food. I am shark FEAST.

Please send your contributions to:
Victims fund for 9/11, 9/12, 9/13…
Airport Security Agencies Around The World
Planet Earth

Check this out-I READ I LIKED I LINKED

12 Points to ponder.

2004-11-24T05:09:00.000-08:00

1.What would it be like if women laid eggs and sat them for nine months?
2.If a butterfly flaps its wings in China, would it cause a microscopic change in wind pattern that might result in a hurricane in Florida?
3.If there is only one destination to all religions, why can’t we accept that there are many ways to reach it? Like there is just one Rome but there sure are a hell a lot of ways to get there.
4.If you stood one inch above the ground would you be on the other side of the world twelve hours later? (It’s all a conspiracy by the profit seeking airline companies)
5.What was running in the head of the first guy, who tweaked the cow’s tits, found a white liquid squirting out and decided that it’s good to drink? (Kinky bugger?)
6.Could George Bush have counted beyond twenty-one if calculators weren’t invented?
7.Islam’s version of heaven has 72 virgins as a part of the welcome gift. What do the women get? (Virgin guys? Won’t sell, that must be part of the “welcome to hell package)
8.Christian version of heaven has St.Peter at the pearly gates with a big ledger of sins and omissions. Why haven’t they made use of dead computer programmers to make the screening process more efficient?
9.The Hindu version of heaven is an infinite emptiness. Will I be in heaven if I look inside a beauty contestant’s head?
10.What is a war for peace? (The classic oxymoron)
11. Why do people give money to charitable organizations they have hardly heard about instead of going to the hut at the end of the road and giving the money to its residents?
12. Why didn’t they tar and feather the idiot who invented the gun? What practical purpose is it used for other than killing living things? (For Sport? Go use a catapult morons)

Please send your contributions to
The Encyclopedia Britannica fund for including additional questions
Somewhere in Britan
UK

Mega Soaps and Mega Dopes

2004-11-17T05:43:00.000-08:00

Basic soap opera storyline.
Day 1: Sam is married to Cynthia. Cynthia loves David.
Day 2: Cynthia divorces Sam and marries David. Sam loves David.
Day 3: Sam has an affair with Cynthia and David lusts after Sam.
Why do people watch such brainless trash? I did my own little survey and came to the following conclusions.

1. People watch soaps to feel good.
When they see that the lives of people on the TV are shittier than theirs, they feel good. Einstien theory of relativity.

2. People watch soaps to get back in touch with reality.
If you watch enough hours of soaps, one tends to stop viewing television after a certain point since TV's are not provided in the psychiatric ward of most hospitals. So you have all the time in the world to get back in touch with reality.

3. Soaps help make the world a safer place.
Imagine if drug lords and Mafia dons spent a large part of the day watching soaps instead of thinking up new ways to kill each other.
Don 1 : That son of a goat Don Quixote has encroached into my territory I will kill him.
Don 2: What happened to Sheila in Bold and the beautiful yesterday. Did she marry her husbands brother or his sister? Or was it the dog?
Don 1 : Oh, my god its time for B and the B, where's the remote.
Don 2: But what about the son of a goat Don Quixote?
Don 1 : Forget him, help me find the remote.

4: The Mega soaps that run for decades helps bond the family and create a unique family tradition:
Grandma will tell grandkiddo the synopsis of the previous six decades. Grandkiddo will continue the tradition long after grandmama has gone to attend a poolside party with Princess Di.

5. Soaps help unlock the potential of the right brain:
The rarely used right brain that is usually concerned with creativity is unlocked by soaps. People who watch soaps have a tendency to try and predict what will happen in the next episode. Considering the fact that for over six decades the story has been revolving around three dysfunctional families, it would take a tremendous amount of creativity to bring yet another twist in the story.

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A hammer to break my remote
Antimatter
Blogger.com

Gods must be crazy Part II

2004-11-12T23:58:00.000-08:00

Wahoo Hoo I am a soothsayer. I write an article about shitty god men and one of the shittiest is arrested a few days later.
A true first person account of Jayendra Saraswati (Swami?). Two years ago I was in Kanchipuram and I had the misfortune to meet Jayendra Saraswati. His room is a basic no frills affair. The only thing out of place was a packet of Gold Flake Filter Cigarettes and a couple of empty bottles of liquor. I kid you not; I don’t have a reason to. One can reason that the cigarettes and liquor were left behind by someone else, but when was the last time a celebrities room was invaded by ordinary folks and trashed by them. Thus it stands to reason that either the holy man got holy drunk or someone close to him found the abode of the swami an ideal place to get holy drunk.
A sanyasi by its very definition is a person who has given up all worldly things and seeks nirvana. Why would such a person bother about Ram Temple, Hindu upliftment or press meets? Jayendra Saraswati has an opinion on everything including global warming and Italian-Indian Prime ministers. Is he versatile or what?
Question: When was the last time a Sankarachariar tried to meddle in politics?
Answer: Never.
In a recent function the president of India was standing while the Kanchi mutt (sic) sits down and hands out an award to him. When Abdul Kalam is considered a lesser person than a psychotic murderer, it is time for reflection and ass kicking. So we reflected and the police kicked ass. What a fitting end to an asshole beyond description. Bringing disrepute to a 2500-year-old organization was not enough for our ‘enlightened’ being. He went on a killing spree to cover his misdeeds. Some might argue that the jury is still deliberating the moron’s guilt. The police force is not suicidal enough to arrest such a high profile person without adequate proof of his involvement.
Religion is a personal issue. If you begin to look for guidance from humans it has to be the right kind of person. How do you identify the right person? You can’t. So you keep religion personal and find you own damn road to enlightenment. Don’t expect a chauffeur for that particular drive. Nine out of ten times you will find that your driver took you on the wrong road and he’s about to be busted for driving without a license. By the time you are enlightened to that fact, you’ve already wasted your life.
Please send your contributions to:
The legal defense fund for delinquent Swamis
Kanchi Kamakoti Peedam
Kanchipuram, India

Gods must be crazy Part I

2004-11-10T00:35:00.000-08:00

The semi nude fakir was once asked what he thought of all the Hindu gods and goddesses. Though religious by nature, he couldn't stop himself, he said " This is a country of three hundred million people with three billion gods."This was fifty years ago. Today the population and the gods have grown three fold.
This is a country with more gods and goddesses than the number of times a lawyer lies each week. What is the idea behind this. Analysis done here free of cost.
If a tired man tries to catch a few minutes of shut eye under a tree, the people who pass by decide he's a holy man meditating on the meaning of life. Long after the man has gone to do whatever it is that men do, the tree becomes a holy shrine for the unknown sleeping god. An annual festival is held and two warring factions chop each others limbs over the rights to perform rituals.
A goat that smokes cigarettes in Gujarat. Now that's a perfect specimen for 'Ripleys believe it or not' but it's not an ideal specimen for a deity. Weird hair styles are a sure fire way to be sanctified. Sai Baba's top floor might be a good nest for orphaned birds, but calling him God? Never mind that fashion gurus will be petrified with those sanctified creatures. Another way to become a God man is to sleep with as many women and in some cases, men, as possible. Rape is also good for the image in some but not all cases.
People can be such idiots. God men who walk around with an AK-47 slung over a shoulder and surrounded by a posse carrying shot guns are revered as the final spokespersons of God. Is Kalashinokov a religious head?
There is no dearth of shrines, temples, 'holes in the wall',etc, in this fair country of ours. Well, three billion gods need an abode, right? Half a billion people don't have a shelter over their heads but three billion gods have temples with marble floors and gold trimmings. And the half a billion homeless go and pray to the gods in their marbled abodes asking that a thatch roof be granted for them. The irony of it all.
Temples in the middle of the roads are a bit of a puzzle. I mean who wants their house bang in the middle of a main road. Why is a goddess any different? How does she get any sleep with twenty ton trucks growling past her bedroom window at two in the morning?
Violence in the name of god. That is a nice concept, I wholly subscribe to that. I don't like your god, bishoom. Kill the pagan motherfucker. My god is better than yours. Your god sucks. Hey Messrs.Gods, please email your resume to me, so I can decide which one of you is worthy of my prayers. If you don't know my email address, don't bother asking I am not interested in kneeling in front of an all knowing being who cant figure out my email address.
Please send your contributions to:
Roof for the Roofless
Deity No.349827394
Temple in the middle of the road
Nasik India.

Short movie reviews for busy people.

2004-10-29T02:46:00.001-07:00

Titanic: A polygamous couple in a big ship. Big ship sinks, man dies, woman lives to tell the tale.
Independence day: Alien invasion, President takes a fighter/bomber aircraft on mission to bishooom the aliens. World is saved.
Spiderman: Man bitten by spider. Fights like a spider, moves like a spider (don’t know if he shits like one).
Chicken run: Chickens plan escape from farm. Succeed.
Shrek: Monster falls in love with princess. Marries the princess. Princess becomes monster.
The Terminal: Man stranded in foreign airport for nine months. Man leaves on a flight back to his country.
Saving Private Ryan: Name explains it all.
Runaway bride: Bride keeps running away each time she’s about to marry. Bride doesn’t run away the last time.
Pretty woman: Millionaire falls in love with hooker.Millionaire spends fortune on said hooker. Millionair gets laid.
Ghost: Man is killed, returns as ghost to kill his killer.
Vertical limit: People climb a mountain.
Terminator: Man travels back in time to save the world from destruction in future. Says “Hasta La Vista”.
Speed: Bomb in bus. A bombshell drives the bus. The movie should have bombed at the box office.
Legally Blonde: Dumb blonde becomes dumber blonde.
Fast and the furious: People race in FAST cars. Make the audience FURIOUS for spending money to watch the worthless shit.
Too fast Too furious: People race in cars that are TOO FAST. Makes the audience TOO FURIOUS for spending money to watch worthless shit for the second time.
Total Recall: I don’t recall anything about the movie, sorry.
Rocky: ESPN boxing clippings.
Lord of the Rings: Hobbit goes in search of ring.Hobbit commits genocide in the process.Hobbit does sequels of the same kind.

An Ode to a Statesman

2004-10-28T04:24:00.000-07:00

This is the last article about George Bush, I promise (I reserve the right to break my promise if he indulges in anymore idiocy during his last days in office).
With just a few more days to go for the world to come out of the clutches of George W Bush (Junior) (I also reserve the right to come back and correct that statement if needed), I find it necessary to write an ode to a magnificent statesman, a man of farsighted vision and a brilliant speaker.
The president has succeed in making this world a more dangerous place than what it was when he took office in 2000. Al Queda’s recruitment center has reportedly sent Bush a gift of an unexploded ‘depleted uranium bomb’ as a sign of thanks for helping them increase their recruitments by 700 percent. He has made great strides in taking a healthy economy and sending it to the cleaners. Budget deficits have reached figures that contain more numbers than a Boyz 2 Men album. (The IBM deeper blue was supposedly made to help calculate the budget deficit).
He has managed to get unprecedented support for his invasions and wars to bring lasting peace to humanity. Marshall Islands, Republic of Palau and Iceland are all behind him. The Solomon Islands with its army of over twelve (Yes, I said twelve) people also supports the president. Oh, yes, and Rwanda, a country that has killed over two million of its citizens, the biggest genocide since Hitlers Operation nojews. HA HA fucking HA
A statesman par excellence GWB junior managed to unite the world’s opinion after many decades. A universal disgust over ‘one’ person had not been seen since the days of dear old Adolf.
A speaker without equal, his nuggets of wisdom and his witty observations were quoted in many a newspaper and magazine. At his public exhibits of verbal diarrhea the crowd was always careful to keep their distance to avoid being caught in the spew of unprocessed crap. He had to be carried from place to place as he never managed to take his foot off the mouth long enough to walk. (Verbal diarrhea, with a foot in the mouth? Disgusting).
But all is not lost, look at the positive side of things, we don’t have to contend with a George W Bush (sub junior). Thank heavens for small mercies.

Your contribution should be sent to:
The Bush Gene Eradication Fund
CDC
Atlanta

Hinglish As She is Written

2004-10-28T02:49:00.000-07:00

This is a faithful reproduction of a letter that inadvertently found its way to me

Dear Sir,
We trust you received our letter of despite postal non-service outlook.
We do understand that you would have been busy with other matters regarding the occasion. So we chose to send a reminder.
We are authorized video, photographers of xxxxxxxxxx (name withheld).
We look forward to covering your family’s special occasion, in celluloid.
Now, we request you to contact on phone, or in person to ensure that proper filmic record of the occasion is obtained.
As soon as we are contacted by you we can make you an offer or give you demo so that between you customer, and us the film/video recorders of events proper mutuality is obtained.
FREE SPECIAL OFFER FOR THE OCCATION, we are newly Introducing the CCTV, TV Relay in 29” Flat TV on the time of Wedding video Coverage. It will attract the Guest very much the hall will show like Cinema Theatre
May we look forward to an early call from you.
Assuring you of our good services.
We remain,
Yours truly,
Xxxxxxx
Hey Lizzie, anytime you need a Royal English teacher for your Royal great grand kids, give us a call

This is not a figment of my imagination you faithless creatures. If there are enough requests, I’ll scan it and put it up here some time later in life.

Send your miserly contributions to,
‘English As She is Spoke’
Department of English
Oxford University
UK.

The Censor Bored

2004-10-27T05:26:00.000-07:00

The moral police are the worst example of a dictatorial country. How can six bigoted fuckwits decide what others should or should not watch? Nudism according to them comes second, only to first-degree murder. Hey morons, why don’t you go to Kajuraho and Konark and take a look at what the land of Kamasutra is capable of. Actually stay away from there; you might want to dress up the sculptures in nine-yard saris.
Too much violence, nudity and sex, complain the herd following the censor propagandists lead.
Solution time:
Black out the news from Kashmir, Palestine, Sri Lanka, Chechnya, Indonesia, and Philippines. Lets go the whole hog, black out news from Africa, America, Asia and Europe. The news agencies can report about Mars, Jupiter, Neptune and Pluto. Making babies is off the list of permitted activities. Sex is a dirty word therefore any thing that has a link to sex is not acceptable. If a woman gives birth to a child, one can deduce that she did have sex (unless the son of god has returned, or she was inseminated artificially, which is a stupid idea to begin with). No more babies. Considering the current gene pool it might actually be a good idea.
Who are these people to tell me what to do and what to watch? In the guise of issuing a censor certificate they control information (If I consider my neighbor’s sexual orgies with an adolescent chicken as information, that’s my concern not theirs). Excuse me, but doesn’t the constitution guarantee the freedom of expression. How does one decide if the violence in a movie is too much or too little? Maybe they have a gore O meter. If it goes beeeeep then that’s too much violence Tone it down now or you don’t get a censor certificate. What whackos. Why is watching two consenting adults screwing onscreen such a big deal? Sixty year old actors run around trees singing songs, if anything should be cut out of a movie that throws up a more compulsive case. Who in real life does that? At least a major part of humanity involves itself in the pursuit of sex. And news channels can show graphical gunshot wounds and babies killed in fire accidents but the films that show a man being chewed to death by dogs are considered ‘not suitable for public viewing’. Reality is more violent than the most graphical images that can be conjured up in a film director’s imagination.
So what next, Mrs. and Mr. Censor? Do you want everyone’s lives to be brought to you for approval before they move on with it?
Rate the movies. A censor should, advise what is suitable for different age groups or give a fair warning about the contents of a film but should never withhold a film, music or any other form of expression with a reason that it would offend people’s senses. Those morons wouldn’t know what sense was if it walked up their nostrils.
Given a choice of being an Orwellian sheep under a group of censors with a crowbar up their pompous asses or a colonial slave, I would welcome the Brits back anytime.
All contributions to:
The Moral Police Demolition Fund
Animal Farm,
UK.

Georgie porgy

2004-10-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

Everyones has an opinion of George W and John K, so here's my two bits.
Election 2000 was rigged. The elections at global cop headquarters was rigged by Jeb. Have no doubts about that. As America has wised up to Jebbie, there needs to be a different strategy this time.
Lets have a look at possible situations that would help King George come back to the white house,
A) Osama (Trash)Bin Laden will be caught six hours before voting commences.
B) Iraqis will vote to become the fifty first state of the USA.
C) The Saudis will decided to provide free oil to America for eternity or at least till their oil wells run dry.
D) Overnight, George Bush's IQ will shoot up to 70. (That would take a huge effort, doubling ones intelligence overnight is a pretty tough affair)
Since I don't see any of the above happening. Then the other option is that the people of America will actually vote Dubya in for another term.

Time to forecast possible scenarios in case that happens.
After getting bored of playing around in Iraq where public opinion about USA is heading south while the G-Men body count goes north, Georgie porgy will decide to go tweak Kim Jong's weenie for a while. North Korea being a bit different from Iraq, Georgie will have to invade Brazil in order to get enough wood to make coffins for all those body bags heading home.
Pakistan the brand new Non NATO, NATO nation will be next in the cross hairs. Dubya the promoter of democracies who also sleeps with an odd dictator here and a psychotic king there, will find an excuse to send more troops to central Asia. (Dubya says he doesn't like dictators, so off with Saddams head, then he says he loves Gen.Mushy and King Fayad and he complains that its the democrats who flip flop on all issues!).
Watching this idiocy happening in their backyard, the Russians will decide to arm the rebels in Afghanistan (A reversal of roles. The Americans used to arm and train the Mujahideen when Russia occupied Afghanistan remember). USA will go back to the draft era, shortage of manpower will force the Americans to enlist anyone they can find. Don't be surprised if Donald Duck is made a captain and Mickey Mouse becomes a brigadier. The French will eat French fries (freedom fries to the Americans) and watch live action on their television and probably resign from NATO. The new British PM would have brought his troops back home and his Australian counterpart will follow suit.The Pommys finding their senses albeit a bit late would have sent Tony Blair on a mission to find the Loch Ness monster and quickly placed a new man at the helm while he's away.
Caught in a quagmire, Dubya will resign mid term and go on to become the head of product development at Microsoft. Dick Cheney being a tad too old to manage affairs will step down from his post which will enable Donald 'cowboy' Rumsfeld to become the president. Rumsfeld will issue orders to nuke Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Syria, Pakistan, China and any other place he can name. (I Hope his geography is limited) Two months thereon, the world will come to a fiery end.So, people, if George W is reelected I suggest you begin doing the things that you always wanted to do, you are running out of time. Consider the earth to be one big time bomb. When Georgie is reelected the countdown begins.

Please send your contributions to ;
The George W fund for global destruction,
The White House,
Washington DC

Encounters with Veerappan

2004-10-24T04:12:00.000-07:00

What's with this, raising Cain, over the killing of a half crazed retired sandalwood smuggler? There is a bigger criminal (A homicidal psychopathic maniac who's responsible for the deaths of over 35000 people) running around with impunity and the shitface travels with secret service protection.
Veerappan's been hoodwinking the cops of two states for over two decades.He's shot dead a few hundred people, most of them civilians. He's reportedly killed two thousand elephants and has had a roaring sandalwood/tiger skin business. Veerappan and his gang of merry men have indulged in at least two known high profile kidnappings. You have to hand it to that guy, he's been controlling a diversified business. If he was listed in the National Stock Exchange he would be a blue chip company.

It has cost the government an average of two hundred million rupees a year to maintain the "Special Task Force". And it took a tad over twenty years to convert him to worm food.Four thousand million bucks to catch one lunatic armed with two world war one vintage rifles and a couple of AK's? And now the STF pat themselves on their backs. The chief minister in all her non-existent wisdom has decide to cover these men in gold. And the idiocy doesn't end there, the head of the the team goes on to hold a press conference with off key songs of praise for himself and his team.Mr.Vijayakumar nabbing one man after twenty years of effort in a 6000 sq km area with all the technological resources at your disposal is not something I'd want to publicize. This gross police inaptitude is best swept under the carpet.

I was reading the news at the CNN website a few days ago. CNN calls him the Robin Hood of India. Robin Hood? My ass. Here is a news flash CNN. Before the asshole was sent to meet Gobbels for breakfast, he had been the cause of 185 innocent people having an appointment with their maker earlier than scheduled , 2000 elephants becoming vulture lunch and a few thousands trees ending up as sandal soap. CNN staff, do you have an annual dumb down course as a part of your employment contract? Kindly refrain from reporting on things you know jack shit about (stupid grammer, but as long as the point is made, who cares). But then what do you expect from idiots who think the world consists of two countries, America and Iraq.

Contributions to :
Veerappan's fund for Reforestation
Ministry of Environment
India.

Dead on Monday

2004-10-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

It all began one balmy night.
I was walking down the street,
on my tired ol feet,
not missing a beat,
thinking that,
my life is so sweet,
when all of a sudden

WHAMMM, a truck decided to take a right turn where there wasn't one. Unfortunately I happened to be on the path of the wayward truck.
As I lay there bleeding on my way to oblivion, my life did a flashback on me.(It is true what they say about your life doing the flash back thinngy a few moments before you join the 'I lived' alumni club)
An English teacher who taught me there was more to life than Sidney Sheldon and James Hadley Chase, A pretty classmate who might have been my wife, a friend who always spoke the wrong thing at the wrong moment. A sister who is of the opinion that I need to get a search and rescue squad to find and retrieve my senses. A girl friend who's competing with me to win the 'weirdo' sweepstakes. These are some but not all of the actors who play a part in the final show.
Red and blue lights are flashing around me, the night looks surreal. A drizzle indicates the first signs of a stormy night. The people around me scream, a few faint at the sight of the increasing rivulets of blood. The pavement has a new paint job, black, white and red. A Paramedic clamps an oxygen mask on my face and shifts me onto a stretcher. It is a wasted effort. I know I will be present at the John Lennon concert that night.Dancing with Elvis and Greta Garbo and maybe dinner with Hitler.
The Buddhists say you will be reborn. Your soul will move from your body to another body. Somewhat like shifting the house. You are still the same, only the address is changed. What happens to the memories? They are probably stored in an archive file in a big hard disk somewhere and your mind is wiped clean for its new home. You start with a formatted mind.
I know I will be reborn as a carpenter in the South Pacific Island of Tonga. The crystal ball gazing gypsy at the carnival told me so.
The Buddhists also say that you can stop the cycle of birth and death if you attain nirvana. The way to nirvana is through reading Koans like the one below,

Cold Mountain is a house
Without beams or walls.
The six doors left and right are open
The hall is blue sky.
The rooms all vacant and vague
The east wall beats on the west wall
At the center nothing.

- Han Shan, circa 630

Have you attained nirvana yet, have you, have you??Hmm...maybe there is some fine print there. I'll get back to you on that one.

As I take my last breath, the answer to the riddle of life is reveled to me. And I fade away sighing , "Humans have got it all wrong".

Please send your Contributions to ,
Jewish Fund for Islamic Studies
Tel Aviv,
Israel.

Marketing Gimmicks

2004-10-18T05:28:00.000-07:00

Theres this brand of mosquito repellent. On the wrapping its say's 'WITH EXTRA MMR'.
The small print goes on to explain that MMR stands for Mosquito Mortality Rate.Mosquito mortality rate hmm... maybe the terrorist training camps should advertise their expertise with something like 'Advanced HMR' technology training (hey dodo just substitute the Mosquito with Humans).
Then theres the nutritious shampoos, whatever that is for? Not like my hair is going to any weight lifting competitions in the foreseeable future.. How about intellegient trousers. My IQ is 90, but when I wear my Van Heusen trousers its goes up to 128. Or VIP undergarnments, if you wear them you become the superhero rescuing the damsel in distress. Sorry, but the jocks on display superhero position has already been taken by Superman aka Clark Kent.
The most abused of all products must be the soap. The Soap market is highly competetive I agree but that is no excuse for the ad men/women to come out with irrelevant concepts. Does your soap help you to be selected in a job interview? Or can your soap make you want to sing and dance in the rain? My soap helps me overcome shyness and become a total extrovert!Who needs a shrink, just buy the right brand of soap.
Mobile phones ads that help India win cricket matches are just fantastic. The batsman who asks the bowler to hold on to his horses while he talks to his mom. His mom tells him to either hit a six or no dinner for Veeru tonight. Momma's boy hits the six and wins the match.Gee, they should give a phone to all eleven players, maybe we ll win more matches.
This cricket crazy nation sure comes out with some creative concepts. Lets take the Pepsi advertisments. Pepsi is available all over the world, and the Pakistanis or Australians are not going to be very happy with an India wins everytime ad, so what do they do, they have a different ad for each country. The country where the ad is displayed always wins. I wonder what they do in Holland and Kenya. That would be pushing things a bit too far, but then as long as the product sells its ok i guess.
All contributions to
The Brain Dead consumers forum
#311, Sea Shells ave,
New Delhi.

Mobile Phone Phobia

2004-10-18T02:50:00.000-07:00

You ever had the phone ring exactly when you hope it wont? What's with mobile phones and ringing at inappropriate moments?Do they use some kind of software that holds the call till it is the perfect wrong moment to ring? I mean, who came up with this stupid idea of a mobile phone? Wasn't mankind miserable enough already without getting to hear instant bad news? "The stock market is down 400 points", "Honey the dog ate your favorite pair of sneakers", "You are fired", who the hell wants to hear this news when they are spending a happy moment with their mistress or out fishing with their buddies? Cant it wait till you get back? Now they use the mobile phones to watch TV. So who wants to watch TV on a 2 inch screen?. If I did want to watch TV I would take a beer, half a ton of potato chips and sit in front of the idiot box in my favorite couch instead of peering at my Nokia wondering if its a movie or a ball game.
Belling the cat:Alexander 'the bell' Graham reportedly dropped some battery acid on himself while he was inventing the phone. The first words on a telephone were probably " Fucking hell", due to marketing reasons it was changed to "Mr.Watson, come here I need you". See, the first words spoken on a phone was bad news and they continue in the same vein till date.
Mobile phones are getting smaller by the day, in the near to middle future they probably will implant a mobile chip on your brain and you you'll be able to make calls just by thinking (George Bush will be making blank calls I guess).
The industry pundits say that very soon you wont need credit cards, visiting cards, ID documents or any thing that you normally carry around with you. Your mobile phone will double up as all that and more.Does that mean, if you lose your mobile, you cease to exist? "I lost my mobile, I ll just lie down and die"?
Why is it a human nessicity to keep talking all the time? People with mobiles need to talk like its mandatory for others to breathe, they talk on the bus, on the train, while in a restaurant, in the loo, at the amusement park. At any public place you find two out of five people on the phone. What did they all do before the mobile was invented? What will they do if all the mobiles on the planet were to disappear tomorrow?
People look like total idiots when they are talking on their hands free kit. It seems like they are talking to the wall, or to a plant, or even to a buffalo. A person who comes from a place that has never seen a mobile phone will probably consider us all loony. And he wont be off the mark by much.
Small is big: My cell phone is smaller than yours, is how you cock your snook at the neighbour. The way a man boasts has undergone a drastic change. His idea of manhood used to be the ability to say "Mine is bigger than yours" ,now it is, "Mine is smaller than yours". Sigh, are we crazy or what.

All contributions to :
The Mobile Users Fund for Brain Tumor Surgery,
Motorola Building,
USA.

Drumstick Dreams

2004-10-13T06:32:00.000-07:00

Sambar: A south Indian watery brown sauce eaten with rice.
There are many versions of the sambar. Moms sambar, cooks sambar, restaurant sambar, roadside eatery sambar are a few examples. The differences between all these sambars can usually be experienced the morning after.
Drumstick:A thin iron rich vegetable that grows on trees.(What did you expect, that it will grow on chimpanzees bottoms??)
When these two ie the sambar and drumstick, meet,we get a mutant known as the drumstick sambar (not a very creative name I agree). Various adjectives are used to describe this mutant, culinary delight, sauce of the gods and drool drool are some of them.
The ideal way to pay respects to this queen of all sambars is to take some rice, pour a large quantity of ghee (clarification: ghee is clarified butter.I hope that clarifies it) and a reasonable quantity of drumstick sambar, mix them all together and put it in that opening on your face. The feeling you get is called 'delight'. This DS (for all you mentally challenged folks, DS is drumstick sambar) is one of the most versatile dishes. You can eat it with Idli (steamed dumpling, it looks a bit like John Howard's hair do) or dosais (a confused pancake)or even pasta. The Italians are reportedly doing the beta testing on the last one.
The DS has a long shelf life. There has been an instance of DS being kept for over a year before being consumed. The person who consumed it is at present being consumed by the worms. But that is not of concern to us.
Udipi, a small town in south India is credited with creating this masterpiece of a dish. The story goes somewhat like this. In ancient times the sambar and drumstick were never cooked together. One day MR.Bhatt the owner of Udipi Sri Venkatesa Vilas (That is not a coded message from Osama, it was the name of Mr.Bhatts restaurant) was making sambar when he accidentally dropped a drumstick into it. Since the temperature of the sambar was nearing its maiden century he wisely decided against plunging his hand into it to recover the delinquent drumstick. He tasted the sambar when it was done cooking, he was mighty surprised to find that it tasted awesome. And that is how the DS was born.

N you owe me big time for this one. I am goin to book myself into the asylum soon.
All contributions to
The Phil Collins fund for golden drum sticks
Hollywood
CA

Disclaimer

2004-10-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

This is long overdue. For the few of you who actually read my posts instead of doing something useful like spending quality time with your rubber duck, I owe you an explanation. Why do I write about subjects that are about as relevant as a monkeys toiletry habits? Those of you who know me will argue that its no surprise, that I would find the monkeys toiletry habits fascinating. My vigorous denials to the contrary won't make a differnce. So I will not try to convince you. To the others, let me tell you I am as sane and as normal as any individual on the third rock from the sun. In fact the head doctor at my institution gave me an award at this years foundation day. It said, "To the best behaved inmate of the National Institute of Mental Health". Oh boy, was that a proud moment.
Getting back to the matter of weird subjects, you see I have this friend (We'll call her Ms.N) who comes out with ideas on articles about drumstick sambar (Ms.N the drumstick sambar is being drummed up so hang in there ;-) )and the Morons neurons. Me, I just execute the order.
Its like the Mafia boss ordering the hit man to go bring back good old Salvatore Guilianis head in a basket. Now who is responsible for the murder? Is it the boss or the hit man, or is it them both. The learned law men will consider them both guilty but the boss is guiltier (am not sure if that is a word) the poor hit man was just doing his job. Well, a hit man's job is to punch peoples tickets, he needs to feed his family too right? So, when the boss say's "Luigi you goto da bigga hotel and find da focking bastardino Guiliani and puta two bullet in hiss ass". What does Luigi do, he goes to the big hotel and puts two bullet in the bastardino Guiliani's ass.
Therefore, though I execute the job at hand, the blame for the choice of subjects does not lie solely on my shoulders.

:-) Ms.N, I am looking forward to the next assignment
"
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

All contributions to be sent to
The Idi Amin Foundation For Human Rights
Entebbe
Uganda
P.s Comments to this and all other articles will be much appreiciated

Jumpstarting the Moron's Neurons.

2004-10-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

Moron:(noun) a very foolish or stupid person. a person of sub normal intelligence.
Neuron: (noun) a single nerve cell, including its axons and dendrites.
Long ago when mammoths roamed the land and the continents of Asia and America were still joined at the hip, there lived a tribe. Actually they were they were the only tribe of humans in this planet.Though they were few in numbers they were extremely intelligent (IQ's in the stratosphere kinds).All, except for one. This man was a moron (look above for meaning.)and he went by the name Dork.While the tribe was busy inventing the wheel, sliced bread, etc, Dork was busy gazing at his feet (this being a slightly difficult job since his belly was of considerable size). The men and women of the tribe were a bit ashamed of this dark spot in the white shirt of their spotless reputation, so they decided to do something about it.
They thought and thought and thought about how to jump start the mornon's neurons (look above for explanation).They thought so hard that combined workings of their neurons heated the area around them (The first instance of global warming).Finally one small boy barely into his eighth year of life came up with an idea.
He said "Let us wire ourselves together and take the end and clip it to Dork. The combined power of all our neurons should jump start his".(Considering the fact that cars and such devices weren't targeted to be invented for another six thousand years, the jump starting idea was truly remarkable).
Thus one rainy morning they did exactly as proposed.The entire tribe assembled in the cricket ground (Yet another remarkable achievement, you know why!)and ran a wire through their ears and plugged the end to Dork's speakers. They concentrated on getting their brains to full power. At its peak the earth became warmer by five degrees, the polar ice caps melted, the birds flying south for vacation took a U turn, the sea boiled, the sea became one giant cauldron of marinara sauce. There was so much brain power that God was temporarily pushed to the second spot in the Intelligence Top 100 rankings. Suddenly there was a flash of light and a horrible cracking noise. Dork, on this rainy day had decided to open his mouth to the sky and drink a bit of the water that was anyway heading to dilute the marinara sauce.The water short circuited and literally fried the entire circuit. The members of the tribe went from being the most intelligent beings on the planet to levels that were roughly one point below a cow's (Or rather to the same level as Dork). The human race has stayed at that point since then.Though the humans grew in numbers during the course of time, their capacity to grow in intelligence has been hampered since that rainy day.

Contributions to ,
The Prince Andrew fund for enlightened Utterings,
Buckingham Palace,
London,UK.

Life

2004-10-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

I was born one 23rd October 2003. It was a rainy afternoon and the sun was trying its best to beat a path through the clouds. I remember the first thing I saw when I came into this world. It was my mother giving me a disgusted look. I was different from the others you see. I was black, and that was a first in the family.I had a funny nose it was tilted all wrong and I had a big bottom. Actually it was massive by regular standards. Now that was the high point of my life, from then on things went downhill.
I was shunned by the others, not allowed in any of their games and never allowed to share their food. I had to go find my own food in the yard. Sometimes I was lucky, others I just went hungry.
My mother was a classic beauty, she was the most sought after female in the entire town.The males used to have long fights over who gets the right to spend time with her. Me, I was either ignored or barely tolerated. My mother refused to look in my direction, to her I was an abberation, an accident, a result of bad karma.
Over the days I learnt to ignore the jibes and tolerate the jokes about my looks. Many a time I had to fight bullies who had nothin better to do with their time than to pick on someone.
As days went by all the fighting and running resulted in me becoming one of the most physically fit in town. At that time I didnt realise that the proudest moment of my life would be a direct result of my fitness.
One day my landlord came and took me to this nice mexican restaurant on the outskirts of the town. I was to stay there for the next few days. It was quite amusing watching the comings and goings of different people.There were couples who were making up over a taco after a long fight at home, there were construction workers talking about tensile strengths and erections over a bottle of tequila.There were policemen whispering about the new gang in town and large ladys smelling of expensive perfumes.
On my third day in the restaurant, the chef Gonsalves caught me by my neck and put me in a funny machine that made weird noises. When I came out I was in a kind of daze.The fact that the chef was looking at me and telling his sous chef that I had a great body should have rung a bell but then I was in seventh heaven, I mean the chef is a hard guy to please and a compliment from him is surely worth gloating over. The chef put me on the table and raised a knife. As the knife was coming down the last thing I remember was Gonsalves telling his assistant," This chi........."

All Offerings to be sent to ,

KFC
Colonel Sanders fund for Orphaned chickens
Kentucky,USA.

Silly signs and lawyers

2004-10-02T23:53:00.000-07:00

Sign posted next to the hot water taps at most hotels.
"CAREFUL WATER MAY BE HOT"
D-uh, how else would I want the water to be.
Sign on Macdonalds coffee cup
"Contents may be hot"
Brilliant, George W that one is for you.
As quite a few people are allergic to nuts, its mandatory now to display a warning on the package containing nuts or nut derivatives. But when a pack of nuts has "Peanuts" in bright colourful letters on all sides what is the point in printing "Product contains Nuts" in small letters at the back?
Found this on a package of frozen fast food:
"Heat in microwave oven 5 minutes and serve. Warning! Contents may be hot after heating."
Wow, am I brain dead or what!
On a washing machine,
"Do not allow children to play in the machine"
Cheap merrygoround?
On a Rowenta Iron box,
"Never Iron clothes on the body"
Hmm...thought I could save some time there, but looks like it not advisable.
Nytol sleep aid warns us,
"May cause drowsiness"
Yikes!
A warning label on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding."
There will be lower incidences of missing children if people followed that I guess.
The first prize goes to a warning on a bottle of drain cleaner. The label reads: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not sure about the former" said Einstein.Truer words were never spoken.

All contributions to be sent to,
The Ambulance chasers foundation
#42, Mass Tort lane,
Michingan.

Mouse Tales

2004-10-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

How many mice will it take to create a blog?
For starters we need mickey mouse (1) to add a famous name to this post. Besides mickeys name might help show this blog in a few search engines and I ll get paid if I get more hits on my page. Jerry (2) is essential to add drama and action to the post. Minnie (3) mouse to bring in the romantic angle. Now if Mickey and Jerry fight over Minnie then we would have a fitting climax too. Wait I am getting ahead of myself, the climax can wait for a while.
The three blind mice (4,5,6), to see how they run or walk or whatever that blind mice do.That would be the comedy track here. And Pinky (7), from Pinky and the brain, am sure he ll take some time off from world domination to do a bit of web domination and lend scholarly credibility to this totally silly post.
Stuart Little (8) to take charge of the negotiations, when Universal and 20th Century Fox approach me for rights to make this blog into a mega budget movie starring Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta Jones.
One Microsoft (9) and one Logitec (10) mouse to round off the team.
Thats a total of ten mice.
At this point of time ten seems to be a realistic number.Will add more as and when it strikes me. If you have been weird enough to read this entire post I suggest you lie down very slowly and ask someone to call the men in white coats.

Contributions to
The Mickey Mouse fund for retired lab mice
Pfizer Labs
Paris France.
Comments ppl, a few words will get you more such spiel!

Humanity and Sanity

2004-09-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

In the beginning when god created earth and the apple tree and all that, he had not completed the screenplay. Hes a bit like Tarantino, take each scene as it comes kinds. When he had finished with the creation he decided that he shall let all the actors (All the worlds a stage, remember)ad lib their way through life. And things were progressing at a nice even pace until......until one day humans decided to do things differently.
But first a bit of background. One morning a few thousand years ago, a sheperd was taking his sheep out for breakfast (that night the sheep was dinner, but that is not our concern)when an angel came to him and told him "My dear fellow you are the son of god, so stop this nonsense with the sheep and go forth and save mankind". As an after thought the angel added "You know, son of god, if I were you, I wouldn'd do what you did to that sheep behind the tree, it is not very good for your image."And with a flash of light and the usual bangs and other assorted sound effects the angel was gone. The sheperd was lost in thought for a while and then he decided that saving mankind was more appealing than being a waiter for sheep and its ilk.So he got a few of his friends and went around talking the talk and walking the walk (the fact that he walked the walk on water was instrumental in drawing a decent sized crowd on weekends).Some people listened to him and some others threw stones at him but 'son of god' was a pretty hardy chap and he didnt let a few stones interrupt his performance. He threw grand dinners with fishes and loaves, went around turning water into wine and all the usual tricks that travelling conjourors do. This went on for a while until one fine day the people of the town got tired of the act and decided to have a final big bash. The gathered at the town square with their children and picnic baskets and somewhere between the main course and dessert they caught 'son of god' and nailed him to a cross and told him it was time for him to go meet his papa.
This act by a bunch of hooligans in an obscure little town has had and still has an impact on almost everything that happens on this little rock called earth.

In the intervening years, from the time 'son of god' took a nail ride to meet his pater to the present times, humans entertained themselves by having a couple of wars, inventing bombs that can destroy the earth seven hundred and fourteen times, having an odd inquisition here and a few genocides there and generally having a good time. They also invented some far out stuff, like for instance when the energy bills of the developed countries were skyrocketing, some bureaucrat came out with the brillint idea of warming the enitre globe with carbon monoxide emissions instead of heating individual buildings.This cost saving idea reportedly got the bureaucrat a noble prize and a box of belgian chocolates.

Alright gettin back to the present. So,life was moving along pleaseantly until a small child in an obscure corner (this is not the same obscure corner where 'son of god' had the disagreement with the locals) of the globe threw a stone in the pond of humanity creating ripples that led to far reaching consequences.

This child was on his way to gather firewood when out of the sky came a whooshing sound and a big bang. The child unpreturbed (he was in Rwanda you see, where the tutsi and the Hutu tribes are trying to find out if there is a bullet proof member amongst them) finished gathering the wood and came home to see that his home had been converted into a giant fireplace.The kid who had seen these things happen to other children in the neighbourhood on a pretty regular basis took it in his stride and moved into the neighbours house without batting an eyelid.
This whole scene was caught live on tape by a CNN crew covering the news in Rwanda. The digital images travelled half way around the world and landed in the desk of a news producer. The producer who had a small girl of his own and also being a devout follower of 'son of god',saw the tape and something inside him snapped. Being senior enough to put on air whatever he saw fit, he telecast the unedited version of the tape over and over again with an applet running below saying "Is this what our lord meant when he said 'Love thy neighbour'".
This was picked up by other networks and eventually was telecast around the world over and over again. The world leaders saw the images, the old man with the funny hat in that tiny country saw it, the crazy dictator in the asian country saw it, the queen in the empire where the sun never rises saw it and they all agreed that it was not something that 'son of god' had listed in the list of "do's ". It was more likely to be in the list of "dont's".
The UN general assembly was called to an emergency session and the world leaders took an oath never to let anything go bang or boom ever again. The war mongers were given a day to stop their mongering or told that UN hit squads would send them to learn better table manners from 'son of god'. The world was once again a peaceful Place and humanity could go back to its more serious pursual of the meaning of life.

Have a nice day :-)
All monetary contributions to,

'The Rwandan fund for kevlar vests'
PO Box. 3398
Head Post office
Rwanda.

Edit: Since the head post office has been bombed out of existence please send your contributions to the Vatican. It will reach us along with the next load of christian missionaries.

The Ghostwriter

2004-09-23T01:53:00.000-07:00

This blog is ghost written.This is the work of a maniac who is beyond redemption. Now that the disclaimer has been claimed shall we move on?
Name:The G
Place: Planet Earth
Date:23/09/2004 (If you live in North Korea its 23rd september Juche 93.)

This article is about why I was chosen to write all future articles in this blog instead of the owner.
This is the era of the politically correct writing. You cant call a negro, a negro. Neither is it advisable to call a short man a short man, or a tall man a tall man. There are socially acceptable terms for all of the above. I am sure a detailed explanation wont be needed, the terms, vertically challenged, mentally challenged, odourly challenged (Someone who has a phobia about taking showers) ,etc should be familiar to all except those who live in a cave (Osama, this one is not for you I guess). Shakespear in all his wisdom said "A rose by another name smells just the same". Now try selling that idea to those weird politicos who come up with the most ridiculous terms. A dirty old man is now a "Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual". A Psychopath is known as a "socially misaligned person" (Friggin A.Way to go. Socially misaligned!!! What next? A serial killer will be "a population reduction expert"?)

The mainstream writers, editors and whatchucallits are shit scared to call a spade a spade (Oh my gawd I used the word shit, hope they dont target me with a smart bomb.) What the fuck (Now what have I gone and done "Fuck"?, its low yeild nuclear bomb time) is wrong with people, why is being called black considered degrading, I mean people pay extra to have their cars painted black, a black pearl is worth a hell (Oh there goes...more cussing) a lot more than their white counterparts. So why in goddamn name of god cant a black guy be called a black guy.

Like it or not, most of the politically correct terms are born in the land of freedom (For those who came in late "the land of freedom" essentialy means the United States of America). The Iraqi's should be happy that they are called "middle easterners" instead of "those crazy brown islam bastards". Never mind that they are going to be smart bombed out of existence anyways, but the point is at least they went to meet their maker as "middle easterners" not as "crazy.........". America is the worlds policeman ( oops make that policeperson). If a civilian building is bombed in mainland America, it is an act of terrorism. But if they bomb ten buildings in downtown Bagdad then thats considered a fight to free the Iraqi's. Now if someone decideds to bomb eight more buildings in D.C would that be considered a fight to free the Americans? Ahh...questions, questions....more questions.

Take for example Saudi Arabia. Everyone agrees that its has one of the most despotic families ruling it. The family of Saud has been clandestinely financing every Islamic terror group in the world. They have probably instituted an annual award for the best terrorist organisation. The king or one of his cronies presents the winners with a few million dollars and a couple of dirty bombs. Now the money for this would have come from the sale of oil to the USA and other countries. The Americans are essentialy paying the terrorists to bomb their cities albeit after paying the Saudi royals a large commission for transferring the cash. Why dont the Americans realise that its more cost effective to cut the middle man and bomb their own damn buildings.

The reason why I am writing this instead of the owner of this blog is

a. He will not get a visa to the USA if he carries on in this manner.
b. He will be targeted by radical islamic terrorists.( At this point I should like to note that the owner is keen on havin his head on his shoulders and he will be mighty cross if his head is taken out for a guided tour of islamic shrines without the rest of his body in tow).
c. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure", with a President who comes out with such great nuggets of wisdom the world is definitely a safer place.

Have a nice day :-) and enjoy the first day of the rest of your life.
This blog will be updated regularly.

All monetary contributions to be sent to,

"The Imelda Marcos Shoe Fund"
PO BoX 03403
Manila
Phillipines

Regards,
The H
Its time to take my medicine. NEVER MIND WHAT THEY SAY, MPD IS CURABLE.