Who am I?

Life is way too short. So many things to do, so little time!!
The Torah, the Talmud, the Old testament, the New Testament, the Bagavad Gita, the Koran, the Guru Granth, the Hermatica (Love that book), the Zoroastrian Texts, Tao-te Ching, the Vedas...and its just the beginning.
It will take a couple of life times to get a take on everyone's idea of religion. And how in the name of GOD am I supposed to take an informed decision if I don't have enough time to take a look at all the contestants vying for my attention in the universal pantomime of life?
I was born a Hindu, studied in a Christian school, have Muslim friends, married a Jain girl (that's not true), become really interested in Zen Buddhism and have the hots for a Sikh girl (that's not true either, though I wish it was). I try to squeeze in a bit of religious introspection in the process and before I know it, I feel like a chicken that is asked if it want to be a Tikka or a Kebab.
Somewhere in this process, I am asked to be proud of my religion. Wow, ok, I am proud to be a pagan. Then the next question comes..Pagan? You cant be a pagan (Like they are the chief secretary of GOD, these wonderful folks cant spell pagan,leave alone elaborate on it.)
Where did we go wrong? Why did something personal come about to be a call to arms, legs and other parts of the anatomy? The suicide bomber on the Jihad tour wants to give up his/her life to take others lives so that he/she can go to paradise with virgins and clear water and unlimited fruits (that's what the Koran says). Ok, the guy has his life made with the nice virgins et al, but what does a martyr woman get? Unless she is a Lesbian, she aint going to do much with those virgins. Or are all women suicide bombers Lesbians? Fruits in paradise? Hey MR and MRS Islam, I would have thought Lamb Doner Kebab would have been more of your kind than vegetables!! Clear water? D-uh, just go to a first world country,open tap, get water, its easier than strapping semtex to your body and testing the BOOM theory.
OSAMA "the turban man" is actually "God's" check post. Its like telling the people of the world, "IDIOTS, get a grip of yourselves. You see what weirdos are capable of?" But, No, we won't take it the way it was meant to be. We will give him undue importance, make a martyr of him and build a Kaaba in his memory, thanks to another fanatic called the Bushman.
Oh that brings me to another fact. Any country that elects an idiot for a President deserves him. At least Kennedy had an ideological reason for going to war. Roosevelt had a reason to fight someone else's war. Hell, come to think of it, the Palestinians have a reason to fight, but the Bushman? He goes to war cause he wants to be a hero! Nincompoo, try fighting a war instead of sitting in your rose garden and sending the young men and women of your country to their graves because YOU have erectile dysfunction. No, pal,you ain,t going to heaven.

Contributions to:
Versace Turban for the "O Man", dunce cap for the bushman
Rome, Italy.