Fate Finds A Mate
Its Christmas time. That sugary part of the year where love is all around and people smile at strangers because they are expected to carry a permanent grin on their face. 1/12 of all love stories begin in the month of December. 1/365th of love stories begin on Christmas day! Something sure is special this time of the year. That got me thinking. Ideal mate? For me an ideal mate would be my favorite chair. It stays where I put it. It's only aim is to keep me comfortably numb. It doesn't ask me for anything in return. Name a living being that can compete with that!
But unfortunately I have been asked to write about a dream girl. At first I thought I ll just go to sleep and dream. Fact of life No.1 :Dream girls turn up only in dreams. But additional incentives were offered. Irresistible incentives. So, here goes, if you want to apply for a date with me, here are some but not all of the conditions that need to be satisfied.
You have to be a looker. Maybe not drop dead gorgeous but not one half of the ugly sisters either. Looks do matter. Anyone who says it doesn't was most definitely a loser who was probably voted to park cars at the new years eve party.
An attitude is essential. Don't confuse attitude with a hang up. Attitudes are healthy little creatures that mark the individuality of a person. You need to have an opinion on most things. Fence sitting is alright if you don't have a chair to rest your sorry ass but its a no-no when it comes to taking sides on issues. People who say, "I am neither pro nor anti abortion", are a perfect reason why abortion should be legalised.
I wont open the door or pull a chair for you, if there's a door man and an usherer you are lucky, otherwise use YOUR hands. If your hand is fractured or temporarily out of service, then I will stand back, watch and laugh while you try to pull a chair or open a door using your legs or any other parts of your anatomy.
I will put up with any idiocy you do as long as it gets a laugh out of me or people around us (see I am not selfish). If you are funny, witty and have enough brains to find the punch line in a joke without me having to draw a map, we will get along just fine. Whiners beware, I am known to lose it with whiners. On extreme cases I will get violent or even homicidal.
Do not bother about what the people in the next table, next room or the next country are thinking about you. No one gives a damn. People around you are too busy trying to figure out what you are thinking about them, they dont care about your antics. I am your date, look at me, if you want to spend your evening thinking about how pretty the skirt on girl in the next table looks, then sit at home and watch FTV.
You might be hot, witty and entertaining but so are a few million others. You are not irreplaceable, never at any point assume that you have me eating out of your hand. That will lead to other stupid assumptions and you will make an idiot out of yourself. Spending an evening with an overconfident pompous woman is not on my list of, 'Things To do', for the next quazillion years. I will be tempted to turn sarcastic and I WILL make you cry.
I will drink, flirt with the hostess and generally act like an ass. You will not complain or sulk. That is the price you pay for an entertaining evening with me. If you are mad enough to come begging for another date you will be welcomed into a small but select club of women who have passed the trial by fire.
Send your contributions to:
Antimatters Fund to go on a quest for the perfect date
A/c.000400004 Citibank N.A
Papa New Guinea
But unfortunately I have been asked to write about a dream girl. At first I thought I ll just go to sleep and dream. Fact of life No.1 :Dream girls turn up only in dreams. But additional incentives were offered. Irresistible incentives. So, here goes, if you want to apply for a date with me, here are some but not all of the conditions that need to be satisfied.
You have to be a looker. Maybe not drop dead gorgeous but not one half of the ugly sisters either. Looks do matter. Anyone who says it doesn't was most definitely a loser who was probably voted to park cars at the new years eve party.
An attitude is essential. Don't confuse attitude with a hang up. Attitudes are healthy little creatures that mark the individuality of a person. You need to have an opinion on most things. Fence sitting is alright if you don't have a chair to rest your sorry ass but its a no-no when it comes to taking sides on issues. People who say, "I am neither pro nor anti abortion", are a perfect reason why abortion should be legalised.
I wont open the door or pull a chair for you, if there's a door man and an usherer you are lucky, otherwise use YOUR hands. If your hand is fractured or temporarily out of service, then I will stand back, watch and laugh while you try to pull a chair or open a door using your legs or any other parts of your anatomy.
I will put up with any idiocy you do as long as it gets a laugh out of me or people around us (see I am not selfish). If you are funny, witty and have enough brains to find the punch line in a joke without me having to draw a map, we will get along just fine. Whiners beware, I am known to lose it with whiners. On extreme cases I will get violent or even homicidal.
Do not bother about what the people in the next table, next room or the next country are thinking about you. No one gives a damn. People around you are too busy trying to figure out what you are thinking about them, they dont care about your antics. I am your date, look at me, if you want to spend your evening thinking about how pretty the skirt on girl in the next table looks, then sit at home and watch FTV.
You might be hot, witty and entertaining but so are a few million others. You are not irreplaceable, never at any point assume that you have me eating out of your hand. That will lead to other stupid assumptions and you will make an idiot out of yourself. Spending an evening with an overconfident pompous woman is not on my list of, 'Things To do', for the next quazillion years. I will be tempted to turn sarcastic and I WILL make you cry.
I will drink, flirt with the hostess and generally act like an ass. You will not complain or sulk. That is the price you pay for an entertaining evening with me. If you are mad enough to come begging for another date you will be welcomed into a small but select club of women who have passed the trial by fire.
Send your contributions to:
Antimatters Fund to go on a quest for the perfect date
A/c.000400004 Citibank N.A
Papa New Guinea
posted by Antimatter at 5:46 AM
3 Comments:
Wow! I see that your a "humble" man. Good Luck on your date, if u manage to find one ;)
ah well...atleast u're honest..!! lol..
out of curiosity, which ofcourse i know u don't have to satisfy , how small is small ,vis a vis your club that's been tried and tested???
>> Anon - Humbleness(!) is an overrated virtue. This is not a date Antimatter application.
>> Mercury - Honesty is an underrated virtue!
The club is big enough to ensure that I give a damn about new applicants and actually post this article. :-) Hope that satisfies your curiosity.
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