Thursday, November 25, 2004

Airport security

One hyphenated word sums up airport security. D-UH
Either terrorists are morons or regular passengers survive purely on luck. Even if the former is true the latter still holds true.
At the security desk of a local airport a long line of passengers patiently wait for the security staff to frisk them (a couple of shifty eyed forty something males look like they actually look forward to the frisking. Considering the fact that the plane’s next destination is Bangkok, I am not really surprised).
A bald man and his entourage walk towards security. The uniforms on duty snap to attention and wave him through. No checking bags, no frisking, no cursory checks. The uniforms are so engrossed on standing in their stiffest posture that they don’t notice that the baldies tails are carrying luggage that are way bigger than the allowed size for cabin baggage. The scene is a little comical, a bit like ducklings following momma duck. But the humor in it is quickly lost as I realize that any one of the tails can carry a home brewed bomb in one of those oversized bags and I might be shark feed in two hours. The fact that security seems fuck all bothered about whether the ducklings are a part of baldy's brood, or if an Al-Queda mobile destruction unit has sneaked in along with them, makes me want to scream at the uniforms. Baldy gets his boarding card stamped by a uniform who is still standing like he’s got serious hemorrhoid issues. I notice that none of the other ducklings carry a boarding card. This gets me even more jittery. What the hell is happening here?
a) A man is sent to board an aircraft without any of the basic security checks,
b) He and his personal porters breeze through security without so much as an identity check,
c) One can't be really sure that they are all HIS porters.
Here we are, pathetic passengers going through the kind of frisking and probing even a convicted drug smuggler wouldn’t have endured. Over zealous security staff checking our belongings a million times, displaying the contents of our bags like a vendor in a carnival. And there, is a bald shithead (whose major claim to fame would be the number of murders in his resume) walking past us like the president of a sovereign nation.
Fifteen minutes after take off, I proceed to get smashed drunk. If I am to be shark feed, the least I could do is marinate myself in good whiskey and give those poor things a feast. Let the world not remember me as shark food. I am shark FEAST.

Please send your contributions to:
Victims fund for 9/11, 9/12, 9/13…
Airport Security Agencies Around The World
Planet Earth

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

12 Points to ponder.

1.What would it be like if women laid eggs and sat them for nine months?
2.If a butterfly flaps its wings in China, would it cause a microscopic change in wind pattern that might result in a hurricane in Florida?
3.If there is only one destination to all religions, why can’t we accept that there are many ways to reach it? Like there is just one Rome but there sure are a hell a lot of ways to get there.
4.If you stood one inch above the ground would you be on the other side of the world twelve hours later? (It’s all a conspiracy by the profit seeking airline companies)
5.What was running in the head of the first guy, who tweaked the cow’s tits, found a white liquid squirting out and decided that it’s good to drink? (Kinky bugger?)
6.Could George Bush have counted beyond twenty-one if calculators weren’t invented?
7.Islam’s version of heaven has 72 virgins as a part of the welcome gift. What do the women get? (Virgin guys? Won’t sell, that must be part of the “welcome to hell package)
8.Christian version of heaven has St.Peter at the pearly gates with a big ledger of sins and omissions. Why haven’t they made use of dead computer programmers to make the screening process more efficient?
9.The Hindu version of heaven is an infinite emptiness. Will I be in heaven if I look inside a beauty contestant’s head?
10.What is a war for peace? (The classic oxymoron)
11. Why do people give money to charitable organizations they have hardly heard about instead of going to the hut at the end of the road and giving the money to its residents?
12. Why didn’t they tar and feather the idiot who invented the gun? What practical purpose is it used for other than killing living things? (For Sport? Go use a catapult morons)


Please send your contributions to
The Encyclopedia Britannica fund for including additional questions
Somewhere in Britan
UK

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Mega Soaps and Mega Dopes

Basic soap opera storyline.
Day 1: Sam is married to Cynthia. Cynthia loves David.
Day 2: Cynthia divorces Sam and marries David. Sam loves David.
Day 3: Sam has an affair with Cynthia and David lusts after Sam.
Why do people watch such brainless trash? I did my own little survey and came to the following conclusions.

1. People watch soaps to feel good.
When they see that the lives of people on the TV are shittier than theirs, they feel good. Einstien theory of relativity.

2. People watch soaps to get back in touch with reality.
If you watch enough hours of soaps, one tends to stop viewing television after a certain point since TV's are not provided in the psychiatric ward of most hospitals. So you have all the time in the world to get back in touch with reality.

3. Soaps help make the world a safer place.
Imagine if drug lords and Mafia dons spent a large part of the day watching soaps instead of thinking up new ways to kill each other.
Don 1 : That son of a goat Don Quixote has encroached into my territory I will kill him.
Don 2: What happened to Sheila in Bold and the beautiful yesterday. Did she marry her husbands brother or his sister? Or was it the dog?
Don 1 : Oh, my god its time for B and the B, where's the remote.
Don 2: But what about the son of a goat Don Quixote?
Don 1 : Forget him, help me find the remote.


4: The Mega soaps that run for decades helps bond the family and create a unique family tradition:
Grandma will tell grandkiddo the synopsis of the previous six decades. Grandkiddo will continue the tradition long after grandmama has gone to attend a poolside party with Princess Di.

5. Soaps help unlock the potential of the right brain:
The rarely used right brain that is usually concerned with creativity is unlocked by soaps. People who watch soaps have a tendency to try and predict what will happen in the next episode. Considering the fact that for over six decades the story has been revolving around three dysfunctional families, it would take a tremendous amount of creativity to bring yet another twist in the story.


Please send your contributions for:
A hammer to break my remote
Antimatter
Blogger.com

Friday, November 12, 2004

Gods must be crazy Part II

Wahoo Hoo I am a soothsayer. I write an article about shitty god men and one of the shittiest is arrested a few days later.
A true first person account of Jayendra Saraswati (Swami?). Two years ago I was in Kanchipuram and I had the misfortune to meet Jayendra Saraswati. His room is a basic no frills affair. The only thing out of place was a packet of Gold Flake Filter Cigarettes and a couple of empty bottles of liquor. I kid you not; I don’t have a reason to. One can reason that the cigarettes and liquor were left behind by someone else, but when was the last time a celebrities room was invaded by ordinary folks and trashed by them. Thus it stands to reason that either the holy man got holy drunk or someone close to him found the abode of the swami an ideal place to get holy drunk.
A sanyasi by its very definition is a person who has given up all worldly things and seeks nirvana. Why would such a person bother about Ram Temple, Hindu upliftment or press meets? Jayendra Saraswati has an opinion on everything including global warming and Italian-Indian Prime ministers. Is he versatile or what?
Question: When was the last time a Sankarachariar tried to meddle in politics?
Answer: Never.
In a recent function the president of India was standing while the Kanchi mutt (sic) sits down and hands out an award to him. When Abdul Kalam is considered a lesser person than a psychotic murderer, it is time for reflection and ass kicking. So we reflected and the police kicked ass. What a fitting end to an asshole beyond description. Bringing disrepute to a 2500-year-old organization was not enough for our ‘enlightened’ being. He went on a killing spree to cover his misdeeds. Some might argue that the jury is still deliberating the moron’s guilt. The police force is not suicidal enough to arrest such a high profile person without adequate proof of his involvement.
Religion is a personal issue. If you begin to look for guidance from humans it has to be the right kind of person. How do you identify the right person? You can’t. So you keep religion personal and find you own damn road to enlightenment. Don’t expect a chauffeur for that particular drive. Nine out of ten times you will find that your driver took you on the wrong road and he’s about to be busted for driving without a license. By the time you are enlightened to that fact, you’ve already wasted your life.
Please send your contributions to:
The legal defense fund for delinquent Swamis
Kanchi Kamakoti Peedam
Kanchipuram, India

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Gods must be crazy Part I

The semi nude fakir was once asked what he thought of all the Hindu gods and goddesses. Though religious by nature, he couldn't stop himself, he said " This is a country of three hundred million people with three billion gods."This was fifty years ago. Today the population and the gods have grown three fold.
This is a country with more gods and goddesses than the number of times a lawyer lies each week. What is the idea behind this. Analysis done here free of cost.
If a tired man tries to catch a few minutes of shut eye under a tree, the people who pass by decide he's a holy man meditating on the meaning of life. Long after the man has gone to do whatever it is that men do, the tree becomes a holy shrine for the unknown sleeping god. An annual festival is held and two warring factions chop each others limbs over the rights to perform rituals.
A goat that smokes cigarettes in Gujarat. Now that's a perfect specimen for 'Ripleys believe it or not' but it's not an ideal specimen for a deity. Weird hair styles are a sure fire way to be sanctified. Sai Baba's top floor might be a good nest for orphaned birds, but calling him God? Never mind that fashion gurus will be petrified with those sanctified creatures. Another way to become a God man is to sleep with as many women and in some cases, men, as possible. Rape is also good for the image in some but not all cases.
People can be such idiots. God men who walk around with an AK-47 slung over a shoulder and surrounded by a posse carrying shot guns are revered as the final spokespersons of God. Is Kalashinokov a religious head?
There is no dearth of shrines, temples, 'holes in the wall',etc, in this fair country of ours. Well, three billion gods need an abode, right? Half a billion people don't have a shelter over their heads but three billion gods have temples with marble floors and gold trimmings. And the half a billion homeless go and pray to the gods in their marbled abodes asking that a thatch roof be granted for them. The irony of it all.
Temples in the middle of the roads are a bit of a puzzle. I mean who wants their house bang in the middle of a main road. Why is a goddess any different? How does she get any sleep with twenty ton trucks growling past her bedroom window at two in the morning?
Violence in the name of god. That is a nice concept, I wholly subscribe to that. I don't like your god, bishoom. Kill the pagan motherfucker. My god is better than yours. Your god sucks. Hey Messrs.Gods, please email your resume to me, so I can decide which one of you is worthy of my prayers. If you don't know my email address, don't bother asking I am not interested in kneeling in front of an all knowing being who cant figure out my email address.

Please send your contributions to:
Roof for the Roofless
Deity No.349827394
Temple in the middle of the road
Nasik India.
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