Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Tamil Cinema News

Ajith has been selected to play the lead role in the sequel to “Babe in the City”. The director has reportedly asked Ajith to lose a few kilos before the start of shoot.

In other breaking news, the producer of the yet to be titled movie starring Vijayakanth, said the “Captain” will refrain from running around trees with heroines a quarter his age, instead high tech graphics will be used to make the trees run around him and his heroine 1/4th his age.

Dhanush the handsome young silver screen sensation has been signed on for a new movie titled, ‘Bhoot part 2’. He will be starring as the ghost. Ram Gopal Verma said, “Bhoot 2 is a low budget film, I will save a substantial sum on make up.”

The famed mic Mohan who entertained the masses with films featuring melodious songs is once again producing and starring in a movie. The movie will be playing three shows a day for two days in the back seat of a Maruti van. Advance booking will not be necessary.

The Chennai city traffic police, in their drive to regulate unruly motorists have recruited Kiran, the young actress who made her debut in the runaway hit “Gemini”. Sources in the traffic commissioner office say that she will act as a temporary ‘round about’ in congested road junctions during peak hours.

Superstar Rajinikanth’s new venture ‘Chandramuki’ has been sold for a record sum to Azim Premji. Azimji has reportedly said, “ I am running short of space to keep my money, I need to claim a huge loss in some venture”.

Mumtaz of “Malai Malai” fame was stopped at the Melbourne airport on her way to Tasmania where she is scheduled to act in a song sequence for the soon to bomb movie “Malai Malai”. A Melbourne airport authority spokesperson later clarified that the quarantine officer on duty had mistaken her for a white pachyderm.

Simbu aka Silambarasan, in an interview to the press late this evening said that he has decided to retire from the film industry. The news kicked off celebrations in cities around the world.

All characters, names, locations and events in this article are surreal. The author is not sure if they are a figment of his imagination or not. If sued, the author will claim innocence under the insanity act.
No part of this article is meant to hurt the sentiments of any person, animal or ‘round abouts’.

Send your spare Drachmas to:
Make a Good movie and watch the video pirates rake in the moolah
Burma Bazzar
Chennai

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

What a wonderful world

(Title, thanks to Louis Armstrong)
This is the country that kills a few thousand Muslims in Gujarat and then a few months later, gets itself a Muslim President. A few thousand Sikhs are killed because a prime minister goes on an aerial trip to meet the maker thanks to a Sardar with a grudge against her, and a couple of decades later we have a Sikh prime minister to show that we are the most tolerant dodos on the planet. (Never mind the fact that, even as the present PM takes charge, a few of his collegues are indicted in the ’84 riots that killed thousands of his brethren.) Either we are sick and need help, or, we are sick and need help.

This has given antimatter a brilliant idea to solve all the world’s problems.

Israel: Elect a Palestine as the prime minister of the country and let Ariel Sharon take over as the Palestine’s representative. Even if they both work on a negative agenda, at least we will get a result in a couple of decades.

Iran: Let the moderate President Khatami hand over the administration to the Ayatollah and get himself a dacha in the black sea. The moderate militant students will kill the hardliner clerics and become hardline-moderate students (!). The hard line clerics will be scared into submission. Khatami can come back from his vacation and continue his deeds.

Sri Lanka: Hand over the Tamil territories to the LTTE. What the hell, lets go all the way and hand over the whole country to the LTTE. When Prabakaran comes out to campaign in support of a Prime ministerial candidate, bomb his ass out of existence. Am sure he will understand the tit for tat, eye for an eye thingy (and may his soul rest in peace). Start peace talks with a clean slate.

Afghanistan: Get the American troops out of there and. …well, let them sort out their own differences. At least it would keep the whole world amused while teaching the Afghan’s that fighting ain’t worth a shit except as free programming material for CNN.

Chechnya: Just give those guys the bloody land. The Russians have more land than anyone else.

Taiwan: Draw an agreement that will have Taiwan merging with mainland China the day their per capita income draws level.

North Korea: Name Kim Jong Ill as the “dear leader” of a unified Korea and continue with democracy. Gee, it’s that simple.

Iraq: Get the entire US army in there. That way, they will be too busy thrusting democracy down the Iraqi’s throats, thereby keeping the rest of the world in a relative state of peace.

USA: More homicides are committed each day in the cities of USA than most of the so called ‘hot spots’ on the planet, so we shall send in a UN force (consisting of Iraqi’s, Iranian’s, North Korean’s, Afghan’s, Palestinians, Croatian’s and Chechen’s to keep law and order in the worlds most powerful ‘democracy’.)

Politics and diplomacy suck.

This is a simplistic solution? So give me a better one instead of finding holes in the idea.

Send your contributions to:

The king of Saudi Arabia
(He doesn’t need the money, but he is still greedy for more)
Charity begins at home, so, give some more for the house of Sauds!
(That particular house is not your home? Well, they never specified ‘whose’ ‘home’)
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