Air Traffic Uncontrolled

Though I don't believe in cutting and pasting stuff from other sites, sometimes one comes across hilairous things that is sure to bring a smile to some poor sucker whos spent his morning trying make sense and debug program codes written by another poor sucker. The following conversations between ATC's and Pilots come under this category.

Air Traffic controllers are not known for their sense of humor (In a way thats thankful, you dont want your pilot and ATC swapping dirty jokes while a 747 freighter is scheduled to make contact with your Planes left wing in T-30 secs).
Read on and try not disturb the poor sucker at the next cubicle with your giggles,

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war old chap!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 1247"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

NutWar Singh's Oily Folly and other stories

Oil's well in the western front. Nuthings right in the eastern front. Our foreign minister has apparantly been dipping his fingers in an oily gravy and licking them dry. Volker has gone bonkers over this mild indiscreation on the part of a mid level world leader. This calls for some serious head rolling (and eye ball rolling).
Sad.Damn things always come back to haunt the Netas though they never seem to learn from them. Congress leaders temptation to rake in the money, while sitting on their fanny isnt really funny anymore.

Rain, Rain, go away,come again another day, Chennai looks like a flooded bay (Poetic license ;-) ). Millions in varied currencies (mostly aid from, the World bank, Asia development bank, Indian bank, Blood bank and any other bank willing to loan money) spent in desilting storm water drains and dredging the estuarys of our fair city came to a big zilch when rain lashed and trashed the city four days in a row. The government decided to take a loan from Crocodile bank (the only ones who havent lent money for city development so far) to pay Rs.2000 to each of the affected families. After the usual deductions for kickbacks, palm greasing etc, each family was given a sum of Rs.2.50.

Bomb blasts in the capital during the diwali weekend have underscored the importance of the peace talks with our neighbor. Once we have opened the LOC for Kashmiris, Punjabis, Rajastanis, AL-queda, Laksher-e-toiba et all to cross over, all problems will be solved. We just need to convert ourselves to hard core religeous fanatics and bomb ourselves and the rest of the world to oblivion. No more humans. Therefore no more bomb blasts. You want simple solution to complex problems? Drop me a mail.