Short movie reviews for busy people.

Titanic: A polygamous couple in a big ship. Big ship sinks, man dies, woman lives to tell the tale.
Independence day: Alien invasion, President takes a fighter/bomber aircraft on mission to bishooom the aliens. World is saved.
Spiderman: Man bitten by spider. Fights like a spider, moves like a spider (don’t know if he shits like one).
Chicken run: Chickens plan escape from farm. Succeed.
Shrek: Monster falls in love with princess. Marries the princess. Princess becomes monster.
The Terminal: Man stranded in foreign airport for nine months. Man leaves on a flight back to his country.
Saving Private Ryan: Name explains it all.
Runaway bride: Bride keeps running away each time she’s about to marry. Bride doesn’t run away the last time.
Pretty woman: Millionaire falls in love with hooker.Millionaire spends fortune on said hooker. Millionair gets laid.
Ghost: Man is killed, returns as ghost to kill his killer.
Vertical limit: People climb a mountain.
Terminator: Man travels back in time to save the world from destruction in future. Says “Hasta La Vista”.
Speed: Bomb in bus. A bombshell drives the bus. The movie should have bombed at the box office.
Legally Blonde: Dumb blonde becomes dumber blonde.
Fast and the furious: People race in FAST cars. Make the audience FURIOUS for spending money to watch the worthless shit.
Too fast Too furious: People race in cars that are TOO FAST. Makes the audience TOO FURIOUS for spending money to watch worthless shit for the second time.
Total Recall: I don’t recall anything about the movie, sorry.
Rocky: ESPN boxing clippings.
Lord of the Rings: Hobbit goes in search of ring.Hobbit commits genocide in the process.Hobbit does sequels of the same kind.

An Ode to a Statesman

This is the last article about George Bush, I promise (I reserve the right to break my promise if he indulges in anymore idiocy during his last days in office).
With just a few more days to go for the world to come out of the clutches of George W Bush (Junior) (I also reserve the right to come back and correct that statement if needed), I find it necessary to write an ode to a magnificent statesman, a man of farsighted vision and a brilliant speaker.
The president has succeed in making this world a more dangerous place than what it was when he took office in 2000. Al Queda’s recruitment center has reportedly sent Bush a gift of an unexploded ‘depleted uranium bomb’ as a sign of thanks for helping them increase their recruitments by 700 percent. He has made great strides in taking a healthy economy and sending it to the cleaners. Budget deficits have reached figures that contain more numbers than a Boyz 2 Men album. (The IBM deeper blue was supposedly made to help calculate the budget deficit).
He has managed to get unprecedented support for his invasions and wars to bring lasting peace to humanity. Marshall Islands, Republic of Palau and Iceland are all behind him. The Solomon Islands with its army of over twelve (Yes, I said twelve) people also supports the president. Oh, yes, and Rwanda, a country that has killed over two million of its citizens, the biggest genocide since Hitlers Operation nojews. HA HA fucking HA
A statesman par excellence GWB junior managed to unite the world’s opinion after many decades. A universal disgust over ‘one’ person had not been seen since the days of dear old Adolf.
A speaker without equal, his nuggets of wisdom and his witty observations were quoted in many a newspaper and magazine. At his public exhibits of verbal diarrhea the crowd was always careful to keep their distance to avoid being caught in the spew of unprocessed crap. He had to be carried from place to place as he never managed to take his foot off the mouth long enough to walk. (Verbal diarrhea, with a foot in the mouth? Disgusting).
But all is not lost, look at the positive side of things, we don’t have to contend with a George W Bush (sub junior). Thank heavens for small mercies.

Your contribution should be sent to:
The Bush Gene Eradication Fund
CDC
Atlanta

Hinglish As She is Written

This is a faithful reproduction of a letter that inadvertently found its way to me

Dear Sir,
We trust you received our letter of despite postal non-service outlook.
We do understand that you would have been busy with other matters regarding the occasion. So we chose to send a reminder.
We are authorized video, photographers of xxxxxxxxxx (name withheld).
We look forward to covering your family’s special occasion, in celluloid.
Now, we request you to contact on phone, or in person to ensure that proper filmic record of the occasion is obtained.
As soon as we are contacted by you we can make you an offer or give you demo so that between you customer, and us the film/video recorders of events proper mutuality is obtained.
FREE SPECIAL OFFER FOR THE OCCATION, we are newly Introducing the CCTV, TV Relay in 29” Flat TV on the time of Wedding video Coverage. It will attract the Guest very much the hall will show like Cinema Theatre
May we look forward to an early call from you.
Assuring you of our good services.
We remain,
Yours truly,
Xxxxxxx
Hey Lizzie, anytime you need a Royal English teacher for your Royal great grand kids, give us a call

This is not a figment of my imagination you faithless creatures. If there are enough requests, I’ll scan it and put it up here some time later in life.

Send your miserly contributions to,
‘English As She is Spoke’
Department of English
Oxford University
UK.

The Censor Bored

The moral police are the worst example of a dictatorial country. How can six bigoted fuckwits decide what others should or should not watch? Nudism according to them comes second, only to first-degree murder. Hey morons, why don’t you go to Kajuraho and Konark and take a look at what the land of Kamasutra is capable of. Actually stay away from there; you might want to dress up the sculptures in nine-yard saris.
Too much violence, nudity and sex, complain the herd following the censor propagandists lead.
Solution time:
Black out the news from Kashmir, Palestine, Sri Lanka, Chechnya, Indonesia, and Philippines. Lets go the whole hog, black out news from Africa, America, Asia and Europe. The news agencies can report about Mars, Jupiter, Neptune and Pluto. Making babies is off the list of permitted activities. Sex is a dirty word therefore any thing that has a link to sex is not acceptable. If a woman gives birth to a child, one can deduce that she did have sex (unless the son of god has returned, or she was inseminated artificially, which is a stupid idea to begin with). No more babies. Considering the current gene pool it might actually be a good idea.
Who are these people to tell me what to do and what to watch? In the guise of issuing a censor certificate they control information (If I consider my neighbor’s sexual orgies with an adolescent chicken as information, that’s my concern not theirs). Excuse me, but doesn’t the constitution guarantee the freedom of expression. How does one decide if the violence in a movie is too much or too little? Maybe they have a gore O meter. If it goes beeeeep then that’s too much violence Tone it down now or you don’t get a censor certificate. What whackos. Why is watching two consenting adults screwing onscreen such a big deal? Sixty year old actors run around trees singing songs, if anything should be cut out of a movie that throws up a more compulsive case. Who in real life does that? At least a major part of humanity involves itself in the pursuit of sex. And news channels can show graphical gunshot wounds and babies killed in fire accidents but the films that show a man being chewed to death by dogs are considered ‘not suitable for public viewing’. Reality is more violent than the most graphical images that can be conjured up in a film director’s imagination.
So what next, Mrs. and Mr. Censor? Do you want everyone’s lives to be brought to you for approval before they move on with it?
Rate the movies. A censor should, advise what is suitable for different age groups or give a fair warning about the contents of a film but should never withhold a film, music or any other form of expression with a reason that it would offend people’s senses. Those morons wouldn’t know what sense was if it walked up their nostrils.
Given a choice of being an Orwellian sheep under a group of censors with a crowbar up their pompous asses or a colonial slave, I would welcome the Brits back anytime.
All contributions to:
The Moral Police Demolition Fund
Animal Farm,
UK.

Georgie porgy

Everyones has an opinion of George W and John K, so here's my two bits.
Election 2000 was rigged. The elections at global cop headquarters was rigged by Jeb. Have no doubts about that. As America has wised up to Jebbie, there needs to be a different strategy this time.
Lets have a look at possible situations that would help King George come back to the white house,
A) Osama (Trash)Bin Laden will be caught six hours before voting commences.
B) Iraqis will vote to become the fifty first state of the USA.
C) The Saudis will decided to provide free oil to America for eternity or at least till their oil wells run dry.
D) Overnight, George Bush's IQ will shoot up to 70. (That would take a huge effort, doubling ones intelligence overnight is a pretty tough affair)
Since I don't see any of the above happening. Then the other option is that the people of America will actually vote Dubya in for another term.

Time to forecast possible scenarios in case that happens.
After getting bored of playing around in Iraq where public opinion about USA is heading south while the G-Men body count goes north, Georgie porgy will decide to go tweak Kim Jong's weenie for a while. North Korea being a bit different from Iraq, Georgie will have to invade Brazil in order to get enough wood to make coffins for all those body bags heading home.
Pakistan the brand new Non NATO, NATO nation will be next in the cross hairs. Dubya the promoter of democracies who also sleeps with an odd dictator here and a psychotic king there, will find an excuse to send more troops to central Asia. (Dubya says he doesn't like dictators, so off with Saddams head, then he says he loves Gen.Mushy and King Fayad and he complains that its the democrats who flip flop on all issues!).
Watching this idiocy happening in their backyard, the Russians will decide to arm the rebels in Afghanistan (A reversal of roles. The Americans used to arm and train the Mujahideen when Russia occupied Afghanistan remember). USA will go back to the draft era, shortage of manpower will force the Americans to enlist anyone they can find. Don't be surprised if Donald Duck is made a captain and Mickey Mouse becomes a brigadier. The French will eat French fries (freedom fries to the Americans) and watch live action on their television and probably resign from NATO. The new British PM would have brought his troops back home and his Australian counterpart will follow suit.The Pommys finding their senses albeit a bit late would have sent Tony Blair on a mission to find the Loch Ness monster and quickly placed a new man at the helm while he's away.
Caught in a quagmire, Dubya will resign mid term and go on to become the head of product development at Microsoft. Dick Cheney being a tad too old to manage affairs will step down from his post which will enable Donald 'cowboy' Rumsfeld to become the president. Rumsfeld will issue orders to nuke Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Syria, Pakistan, China and any other place he can name. (I Hope his geography is limited) Two months thereon, the world will come to a fiery end.So, people, if George W is reelected I suggest you begin doing the things that you always wanted to do, you are running out of time. Consider the earth to be one big time bomb. When Georgie is reelected the countdown begins.

Please send your contributions to ;
The George W fund for global destruction,
The White House,
Washington DC

Encounters with Veerappan

What's with this, raising Cain, over the killing of a half crazed retired sandalwood smuggler? There is a bigger criminal (A homicidal psychopathic maniac who's responsible for the deaths of over 35000 people) running around with impunity and the shitface travels with secret service protection.
Veerappan's been hoodwinking the cops of two states for over two decades.He's shot dead a few hundred people, most of them civilians. He's reportedly killed two thousand elephants and has had a roaring sandalwood/tiger skin business. Veerappan and his gang of merry men have indulged in at least two known high profile kidnappings. You have to hand it to that guy, he's been controlling a diversified business. If he was listed in the National Stock Exchange he would be a blue chip company.

It has cost the government an average of two hundred million rupees a year to maintain the "Special Task Force". And it took a tad over twenty years to convert him to worm food.Four thousand million bucks to catch one lunatic armed with two world war one vintage rifles and a couple of AK's? And now the STF pat themselves on their backs. The chief minister in all her non-existent wisdom has decide to cover these men in gold. And the idiocy doesn't end there, the head of the the team goes on to hold a press conference with off key songs of praise for himself and his team.Mr.Vijayakumar nabbing one man after twenty years of effort in a 6000 sq km area with all the technological resources at your disposal is not something I'd want to publicize. This gross police inaptitude is best swept under the carpet.

I was reading the news at the CNN website a few days ago. CNN calls him the Robin Hood of India. Robin Hood? My ass. Here is a news flash CNN. Before the asshole was sent to meet Gobbels for breakfast, he had been the cause of 185 innocent people having an appointment with their maker earlier than scheduled , 2000 elephants becoming vulture lunch and a few thousands trees ending up as sandal soap. CNN staff, do you have an annual dumb down course as a part of your employment contract? Kindly refrain from reporting on things you know jack shit about (stupid grammer, but as long as the point is made, who cares). But then what do you expect from idiots who think the world consists of two countries, America and Iraq.

Contributions to :
Veerappan's fund for Reforestation
Ministry of Environment
India.

Dead on Monday

It all began one balmy night.
I was walking down the street,
on my tired ol feet,
not missing a beat,
thinking that,
my life is so sweet,
when all of a sudden

WHAMMM, a truck decided to take a right turn where there wasn't one. Unfortunately I happened to be on the path of the wayward truck.
As I lay there bleeding on my way to oblivion, my life did a flashback on me.(It is true what they say about your life doing the flash back thinngy a few moments before you join the 'I lived' alumni club)
An English teacher who taught me there was more to life than Sidney Sheldon and James Hadley Chase, A pretty classmate who might have been my wife, a friend who always spoke the wrong thing at the wrong moment. A sister who is of the opinion that I need to get a search and rescue squad to find and retrieve my senses. A girl friend who's competing with me to win the 'weirdo' sweepstakes. These are some but not all of the actors who play a part in the final show.
Red and blue lights are flashing around me, the night looks surreal. A drizzle indicates the first signs of a stormy night. The people around me scream, a few faint at the sight of the increasing rivulets of blood. The pavement has a new paint job, black, white and red. A Paramedic clamps an oxygen mask on my face and shifts me onto a stretcher. It is a wasted effort. I know I will be present at the John Lennon concert that night.Dancing with Elvis and Greta Garbo and maybe dinner with Hitler.
The Buddhists say you will be reborn. Your soul will move from your body to another body. Somewhat like shifting the house. You are still the same, only the address is changed. What happens to the memories? They are probably stored in an archive file in a big hard disk somewhere and your mind is wiped clean for its new home. You start with a formatted mind.
I know I will be reborn as a carpenter in the South Pacific Island of Tonga. The crystal ball gazing gypsy at the carnival told me so.
The Buddhists also say that you can stop the cycle of birth and death if you attain nirvana. The way to nirvana is through reading Koans like the one below,

Cold Mountain is a house
Without beams or walls.
The six doors left and right are open
The hall is blue sky.
The rooms all vacant and vague
The east wall beats on the west wall
At the center nothing.

- Han Shan, circa 630

Have you attained nirvana yet, have you, have you??Hmm...maybe there is some fine print there. I'll get back to you on that one.

As I take my last breath, the answer to the riddle of life is reveled to me. And I fade away sighing , "Humans have got it all wrong".

Please send your Contributions to ,
Jewish Fund for Islamic Studies
Tel Aviv,
Israel.

Marketing Gimmicks

Theres this brand of mosquito repellent. On the wrapping its say's 'WITH EXTRA MMR'.
The small print goes on to explain that MMR stands for Mosquito Mortality Rate.Mosquito mortality rate hmm... maybe the terrorist training camps should advertise their expertise with something like 'Advanced HMR' technology training (hey dodo just substitute the Mosquito with Humans).
Then theres the nutritious shampoos, whatever that is for? Not like my hair is going to any weight lifting competitions in the foreseeable future.. How about intellegient trousers. My IQ is 90, but when I wear my Van Heusen trousers its goes up to 128. Or VIP undergarnments, if you wear them you become the superhero rescuing the damsel in distress. Sorry, but the jocks on display superhero position has already been taken by Superman aka Clark Kent.
The most abused of all products must be the soap. The Soap market is highly competetive I agree but that is no excuse for the ad men/women to come out with irrelevant concepts. Does your soap help you to be selected in a job interview? Or can your soap make you want to sing and dance in the rain? My soap helps me overcome shyness and become a total extrovert!Who needs a shrink, just buy the right brand of soap.
Mobile phones ads that help India win cricket matches are just fantastic. The batsman who asks the bowler to hold on to his horses while he talks to his mom. His mom tells him to either hit a six or no dinner for Veeru tonight. Momma's boy hits the six and wins the match.Gee, they should give a phone to all eleven players, maybe we ll win more matches.
This cricket crazy nation sure comes out with some creative concepts. Lets take the Pepsi advertisments. Pepsi is available all over the world, and the Pakistanis or Australians are not going to be very happy with an India wins everytime ad, so what do they do, they have a different ad for each country. The country where the ad is displayed always wins. I wonder what they do in Holland and Kenya. That would be pushing things a bit too far, but then as long as the product sells its ok i guess.
All contributions to
The Brain Dead consumers forum
#311, Sea Shells ave,
New Delhi.

Mobile Phone Phobia

You ever had the phone ring exactly when you hope it wont? What's with mobile phones and ringing at inappropriate moments?Do they use some kind of software that holds the call till it is the perfect wrong moment to ring? I mean, who came up with this stupid idea of a mobile phone? Wasn't mankind miserable enough already without getting to hear instant bad news? "The stock market is down 400 points", "Honey the dog ate your favorite pair of sneakers", "You are fired", who the hell wants to hear this news when they are spending a happy moment with their mistress or out fishing with their buddies? Cant it wait till you get back? Now they use the mobile phones to watch TV. So who wants to watch TV on a 2 inch screen?. If I did want to watch TV I would take a beer, half a ton of potato chips and sit in front of the idiot box in my favorite couch instead of peering at my Nokia wondering if its a movie or a ball game.
Belling the cat:Alexander 'the bell' Graham reportedly dropped some battery acid on himself while he was inventing the phone. The first words on a telephone were probably " Fucking hell", due to marketing reasons it was changed to "Mr.Watson, come here I need you". See, the first words spoken on a phone was bad news and they continue in the same vein till date.
Mobile phones are getting smaller by the day, in the near to middle future they probably will implant a mobile chip on your brain and you you'll be able to make calls just by thinking (George Bush will be making blank calls I guess).
The industry pundits say that very soon you wont need credit cards, visiting cards, ID documents or any thing that you normally carry around with you. Your mobile phone will double up as all that and more.Does that mean, if you lose your mobile, you cease to exist? "I lost my mobile, I ll just lie down and die"?
Why is it a human nessicity to keep talking all the time? People with mobiles need to talk like its mandatory for others to breathe, they talk on the bus, on the train, while in a restaurant, in the loo, at the amusement park. At any public place you find two out of five people on the phone. What did they all do before the mobile was invented? What will they do if all the mobiles on the planet were to disappear tomorrow?
People look like total idiots when they are talking on their hands free kit. It seems like they are talking to the wall, or to a plant, or even to a buffalo. A person who comes from a place that has never seen a mobile phone will probably consider us all loony. And he wont be off the mark by much.
Small is big: My cell phone is smaller than yours, is how you cock your snook at the neighbour. The way a man boasts has undergone a drastic change. His idea of manhood used to be the ability to say "Mine is bigger than yours" ,now it is, "Mine is smaller than yours". Sigh, are we crazy or what.

All contributions to :
The Mobile Users Fund for Brain Tumor Surgery,
Motorola Building,
USA.

Drumstick Dreams

Sambar: A south Indian watery brown sauce eaten with rice.
There are many versions of the sambar. Moms sambar, cooks sambar, restaurant sambar, roadside eatery sambar are a few examples. The differences between all these sambars can usually be experienced the morning after.
Drumstick:A thin iron rich vegetable that grows on trees.(What did you expect, that it will grow on chimpanzees bottoms??)
When these two ie the sambar and drumstick, meet,we get a mutant known as the drumstick sambar (not a very creative name I agree). Various adjectives are used to describe this mutant, culinary delight, sauce of the gods and drool drool are some of them.
The ideal way to pay respects to this queen of all sambars is to take some rice, pour a large quantity of ghee (clarification: ghee is clarified butter.I hope that clarifies it) and a reasonable quantity of drumstick sambar, mix them all together and put it in that opening on your face. The feeling you get is called 'delight'. This DS (for all you mentally challenged folks, DS is drumstick sambar) is one of the most versatile dishes. You can eat it with Idli (steamed dumpling, it looks a bit like John Howard's hair do) or dosais (a confused pancake)or even pasta. The Italians are reportedly doing the beta testing on the last one.
The DS has a long shelf life. There has been an instance of DS being kept for over a year before being consumed. The person who consumed it is at present being consumed by the worms. But that is not of concern to us.
Udipi, a small town in south India is credited with creating this masterpiece of a dish. The story goes somewhat like this. In ancient times the sambar and drumstick were never cooked together. One day MR.Bhatt the owner of Udipi Sri Venkatesa Vilas (That is not a coded message from Osama, it was the name of Mr.Bhatts restaurant) was making sambar when he accidentally dropped a drumstick into it. Since the temperature of the sambar was nearing its maiden century he wisely decided against plunging his hand into it to recover the delinquent drumstick. He tasted the sambar when it was done cooking, he was mighty surprised to find that it tasted awesome. And that is how the DS was born.

N you owe me big time for this one. I am goin to book myself into the asylum soon.
All contributions to
The Phil Collins fund for golden drum sticks
Hollywood
CA

Disclaimer

This is long overdue. For the few of you who actually read my posts instead of doing something useful like spending quality time with your rubber duck, I owe you an explanation. Why do I write about subjects that are about as relevant as a monkeys toiletry habits? Those of you who know me will argue that its no surprise, that I would find the monkeys toiletry habits fascinating. My vigorous denials to the contrary won't make a differnce. So I will not try to convince you. To the others, let me tell you I am as sane and as normal as any individual on the third rock from the sun. In fact the head doctor at my institution gave me an award at this years foundation day. It said, "To the best behaved inmate of the National Institute of Mental Health". Oh boy, was that a proud moment.
Getting back to the matter of weird subjects, you see I have this friend (We'll call her Ms.N) who comes out with ideas on articles about drumstick sambar (Ms.N the drumstick sambar is being drummed up so hang in there ;-) )and the Morons neurons. Me, I just execute the order.
Its like the Mafia boss ordering the hit man to go bring back good old Salvatore Guilianis head in a basket. Now who is responsible for the murder? Is it the boss or the hit man, or is it them both. The learned law men will consider them both guilty but the boss is guiltier (am not sure if that is a word) the poor hit man was just doing his job. Well, a hit man's job is to punch peoples tickets, he needs to feed his family too right? So, when the boss say's "Luigi you goto da bigga hotel and find da focking bastardino Guiliani and puta two bullet in hiss ass". What does Luigi do, he goes to the big hotel and puts two bullet in the bastardino Guiliani's ass.
Therefore, though I execute the job at hand, the blame for the choice of subjects does not lie solely on my shoulders.

:-) Ms.N, I am looking forward to the next assignment
"
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

All contributions to be sent to
The Idi Amin Foundation For Human Rights
Entebbe
Uganda
P.s Comments to this and all other articles will be much appreiciated

Jumpstarting the Moron's Neurons.

Moron:(noun) a very foolish or stupid person. a person of sub normal intelligence.
Neuron: (noun) a single nerve cell, including its axons and dendrites.
Long ago when mammoths roamed the land and the continents of Asia and America were still joined at the hip, there lived a tribe. Actually they were they were the only tribe of humans in this planet.Though they were few in numbers they were extremely intelligent (IQ's in the stratosphere kinds).All, except for one. This man was a moron (look above for meaning.)and he went by the name Dork.While the tribe was busy inventing the wheel, sliced bread, etc, Dork was busy gazing at his feet (this being a slightly difficult job since his belly was of considerable size). The men and women of the tribe were a bit ashamed of this dark spot in the white shirt of their spotless reputation, so they decided to do something about it.
They thought and thought and thought about how to jump start the mornon's neurons (look above for explanation).They thought so hard that combined workings of their neurons heated the area around them (The first instance of global warming).Finally one small boy barely into his eighth year of life came up with an idea.
He said "Let us wire ourselves together and take the end and clip it to Dork. The combined power of all our neurons should jump start his".(Considering the fact that cars and such devices weren't targeted to be invented for another six thousand years, the jump starting idea was truly remarkable).
Thus one rainy morning they did exactly as proposed.The entire tribe assembled in the cricket ground (Yet another remarkable achievement, you know why!)and ran a wire through their ears and plugged the end to Dork's speakers. They concentrated on getting their brains to full power. At its peak the earth became warmer by five degrees, the polar ice caps melted, the birds flying south for vacation took a U turn, the sea boiled, the sea became one giant cauldron of marinara sauce. There was so much brain power that God was temporarily pushed to the second spot in the Intelligence Top 100 rankings. Suddenly there was a flash of light and a horrible cracking noise. Dork, on this rainy day had decided to open his mouth to the sky and drink a bit of the water that was anyway heading to dilute the marinara sauce.The water short circuited and literally fried the entire circuit. The members of the tribe went from being the most intelligent beings on the planet to levels that were roughly one point below a cow's (Or rather to the same level as Dork). The human race has stayed at that point since then.Though the humans grew in numbers during the course of time, their capacity to grow in intelligence has been hampered since that rainy day.

Contributions to ,
The Prince Andrew fund for enlightened Utterings,
Buckingham Palace,
London,UK.

Life

I was born one 23rd October 2003. It was a rainy afternoon and the sun was trying its best to beat a path through the clouds. I remember the first thing I saw when I came into this world. It was my mother giving me a disgusted look. I was different from the others you see. I was black, and that was a first in the family.I had a funny nose it was tilted all wrong and I had a big bottom. Actually it was massive by regular standards. Now that was the high point of my life, from then on things went downhill.
I was shunned by the others, not allowed in any of their games and never allowed to share their food. I had to go find my own food in the yard. Sometimes I was lucky, others I just went hungry.
My mother was a classic beauty, she was the most sought after female in the entire town.The males used to have long fights over who gets the right to spend time with her. Me, I was either ignored or barely tolerated. My mother refused to look in my direction, to her I was an abberation, an accident, a result of bad karma.
Over the days I learnt to ignore the jibes and tolerate the jokes about my looks. Many a time I had to fight bullies who had nothin better to do with their time than to pick on someone.
As days went by all the fighting and running resulted in me becoming one of the most physically fit in town. At that time I didnt realise that the proudest moment of my life would be a direct result of my fitness.
One day my landlord came and took me to this nice mexican restaurant on the outskirts of the town. I was to stay there for the next few days. It was quite amusing watching the comings and goings of different people.There were couples who were making up over a taco after a long fight at home, there were construction workers talking about tensile strengths and erections over a bottle of tequila.There were policemen whispering about the new gang in town and large ladys smelling of expensive perfumes.
On my third day in the restaurant, the chef Gonsalves caught me by my neck and put me in a funny machine that made weird noises. When I came out I was in a kind of daze.The fact that the chef was looking at me and telling his sous chef that I had a great body should have rung a bell but then I was in seventh heaven, I mean the chef is a hard guy to please and a compliment from him is surely worth gloating over. The chef put me on the table and raised a knife. As the knife was coming down the last thing I remember was Gonsalves telling his assistant," This chi........."

All Offerings to be sent to ,

KFC
Colonel Sanders fund for Orphaned chickens
Kentucky,USA.

Silly signs and lawyers

Sign posted next to the hot water taps at most hotels.
"CAREFUL WATER MAY BE HOT"
D-uh, how else would I want the water to be.
Sign on Macdonalds coffee cup
"Contents may be hot"
Brilliant, George W that one is for you.
As quite a few people are allergic to nuts, its mandatory now to display a warning on the package containing nuts or nut derivatives. But when a pack of nuts has "Peanuts" in bright colourful letters on all sides what is the point in printing "Product contains Nuts" in small letters at the back?
Found this on a package of frozen fast food:
"Heat in microwave oven 5 minutes and serve. Warning! Contents may be hot after heating."
Wow, am I brain dead or what!
On a washing machine,
"Do not allow children to play in the machine"
Cheap merrygoround?
On a Rowenta Iron box,
"Never Iron clothes on the body"
Hmm...thought I could save some time there, but looks like it not advisable.
Nytol sleep aid warns us,
"May cause drowsiness"
Yikes!
A warning label on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding."
There will be lower incidences of missing children if people followed that I guess.
The first prize goes to a warning on a bottle of drain cleaner. The label reads: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not sure about the former" said Einstein.Truer words were never spoken.

All contributions to be sent to,
The Ambulance chasers foundation
#42, Mass Tort lane,
Michingan.

Mouse Tales

How many mice will it take to create a blog?
For starters we need mickey mouse (1) to add a famous name to this post. Besides mickeys name might help show this blog in a few search engines and I ll get paid if I get more hits on my page. Jerry (2) is essential to add drama and action to the post. Minnie (3) mouse to bring in the romantic angle. Now if Mickey and Jerry fight over Minnie then we would have a fitting climax too. Wait I am getting ahead of myself, the climax can wait for a while.
The three blind mice (4,5,6), to see how they run or walk or whatever that blind mice do.That would be the comedy track here. And Pinky (7), from Pinky and the brain, am sure he ll take some time off from world domination to do a bit of web domination and lend scholarly credibility to this totally silly post.
Stuart Little (8) to take charge of the negotiations, when Universal and 20th Century Fox approach me for rights to make this blog into a mega budget movie starring Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta Jones.
One Microsoft (9) and one Logitec (10) mouse to round off the team.
Thats a total of ten mice.
At this point of time ten seems to be a realistic number.Will add more as and when it strikes me. If you have been weird enough to read this entire post I suggest you lie down very slowly and ask someone to call the men in white coats.

Contributions to
The Mickey Mouse fund for retired lab mice
Pfizer Labs
Paris France.
Comments ppl, a few words will get you more such spiel!